Sweetest Downfall
by The-Lost-Amazon
Summary: Santana the smartest but most ridiculed girl in school found the only purely good thing in her life Quinn Fabray but that dream was just impossible. Can they both make the sacrifices that they need to be happy before it is too late or will fate intervene?
1. Chapter 1

**Sweetest Downfall**

Ships: quinntana some mentions fuinn, quick and fabrevans

Rating: M to be safe

Genre: angst, romance

This is based off of the props episode with nerdy Santana and bubbly happy Quinn some events changed for story purposes. Nayanna Rivergron really inspired this and they are secretly dating in love okay? I don't own anything related to glee if I did Naya would be the star and it would be quinntana in love with many duets. I need to give a humongous shout out to the best person ever my co-author/beta FairyLies! She is absolutely amazing and I am so happy to have the privilege of writing something with you. Enjoy!

**SOPHOMORE YEAR- SANTANA'S POV**

You know those typical popular sixteen-year-old girls? The ones that students part for when they pass the halls? The ones who _never_ get slushied? The one who seem to have perfect lives? Yeah... I'm not one of them. Actually I'm the farthest thing from being _'one of them'_. My name is Santana Lopez and I'm a loner. I'm the odd one out, the one who is conversely ridiculed by majority of the student population. Oh and to top it all off I am gay, yeah I've known _that_ for a while.

I really didn't want to admit it at first, living in the pseudo Bible belt known as Lima, Ohio made me want to try my best to conform with what is considered to be _"right and good"_. To be a '_normal'_ girl who wasn't attracted to other girls but someone flipped my world upside down and changed everything. It all happened in sophomore year but I will get back to that later...

My parents and other homophobic people insist that being gay is just a lifestyle choice but it really isn't. From as far back as I can remember, I was the prince or Ken saving Barbie, I wanted to save the princess not become the damsel in distress. I watched TV and movies for my favorite female characters and I protected all the girls in the playground from the nasty boys who had cooties. The point is I love girls well not really if I am being completely honest I am just in love with one girl, the "it" girl, the queen bee, the most desired girl in McKinley high.

Imagine, the nameless girl in the hallway, the smart girl in class, the girl who dresses like a man who everyone fondly dubbed _'insert cruel names here'_; urkel, spic, man, dyke etc. is in love with the most popular girl in school. Ridiculous, huh?

I know I'm not an average teenage girl, I don't look or act like one which is probably why I am constantly the slushie target of the popular kids. Well they do scrutinize and reject anything that is unknown to them that can possibly disrupt the social schema that has been established. It's almost natural for those who feel scared and threatened, _the ignorant_, lash out i.e. the fate of Galileo and Salem witch trials. But I am not equating my life to history's cruelest times but it seems as if human nature darkness and ignorance has not changed over time but has shifted to other issues like homophobia.

I have an affinity for academia it comes easy to me I am good at everything related to it. I have been a National merit scholar, on honor roll, aced the duke test in eighth grade, had an almost perfect SAT score, been to top universities for summer programs like Duke University of Pennsylvania and maybe this year Harvard. It's a fact that I am good in academics and like every other aspect in my life, being intelligent had both positive and negative implications. Life is sometimes too eerily close to Macroeconomics and the free market economy, competition although fruitful at times can still topple a nation. The population of McKinley high does not appreciate me at all because I am the competition, being the smartest girl in school.

Unfortunately for me, both my parents are board certified doctors, one is a trauma surgeon and the other one is in Pediatrics. Expect nothing but superiority from me. It is in my blood, in my genes and also in the way I was brought up. My father raised me on IQ tests, rapid-fire game show type questioning during dinner and other brain training methods that he saw fitting.

When I do see my parents they use our time together to discuss medical procedures with me and prep me for Med school. My household and my future is a non-negotiable contract. The benefit to having career obsessed professional parents is a lot of solitary time. My parents are hardly ever at home. They are just usually present when there are family gatherings, which we really just use to go over and remind our relatives of all our accomplishments, and during their mandatory vacations once a year.

I actually enjoy being alone sometimes because I am given the freedom to immerse myself in topics and paraphernalia that would usually be taboo, forbidden because my father believes that they are a complete waste of time and useless for my education. I am talking about music and my love of singing. I have done it for years in the privacy of my own home listening to old soul records like Etta James, Aretha Franklin the greats. Jazz legends to now almost anything I can get my hands on and of course my abuela, when she used to talk and associate with me, would play all types of latin music around the house. I loved those days dancing and singing with her, the woman who was closest to me, but she disowned me after I came out.

I taught myself how to read sheet music and pursued singing by joining our school's glee club and I love it, it's the best part of my day. Though singing and music aren't enough to make use of all of my spare time, reading, watching television and a lot of sci-fi, fills the gaps. My room is decorated with a mixture of music legends and my favorite cult TV shows like Buffy and Angel posters, lost girl posters, Firefly and so much more.

Martial arts was another hobby of mine, I have taken numerous self-defense classes in the past but they weren't much help with my high school situation. At least they helped with keeping me lean and in shape. My father deemed martial arts worthy of time and effort because you develop character and discipline through martial arts, like I really need more discipline in my life.

I am well disciplined, _too well disciplined_, I would never use my knowledge in self-defense against anyone. It's not in my nature to retaliate after being attacked. I would never use violence on whoever it was shoving me into a locker, splashing a slushie on me, throwing me into a dumpster or calling me mean names. I'm too disciplined for _that_.

In McKinley, otherwise known as my personal hell, I keep a change of clothes maybe even two... Just in case one or more of the aforementioned things happen. Speaking of clothes, I have a style. To my mother's dismay my wardrobe consists mostly of button-up shirts, khakis, men's jeans, hoodies, sweater sets and a few ties. I am also partial to boots, converse and basketball shoes. My fashion sense was a bit controversial in school... The lack of outfits consisting of dresses, skirts and tank tops made me different.

I don't care if I'm different though, this is me and I like it. Gone were the days where I had to be uncomfortable and force myself to wear revealing feminine clothing. Now I happily cover my body with clothes of my choosing which often results to my peers scrutinizing me. Oh well...

All of freshmen year I was the geek that blended in with the general population. I wore the tops my mother bought me, the revealing skirts that made me cringe when I saw myself in the mirror. Even when I dressed that way things were still far from being good, I was still invisible and ridiculed for being a geek, I was still a loser. The mask I used to cover the real me, the lies I used to hide who I really was, weren't really helpful when it came to popularity.

I changed sophomore year and it just so happened that, that was the same year the girl of my dreams moved to McKinley high. I accepted my sexuality told my parents, my family and did what I needed to do. My parents sort of just ignore it and focus on pushing for my education, that way I won't be a _total_ embarrassment. The rest of the family though has blotted out my existence.

Coming out was worth it though, I really hated the way guys treated me when I was pretending to be perfectly straight. I could rationalize my change in that I chose to not contribute in the overt _sexualization_ of the female image, defy the patriarchal influence that has dictated this trend that women have succumbed to in various fashions. Some have turned their sexuality into empowerment but the source of this trends origin indicates the inherent underbellies of our nationalist sexist culture. In reality, this choice to change my style of clothes coincided with me coming out. I wasn't going to pretend to be heterosexual anymore, to continue to grovel at the feet of my oppressor, to just keep skating by, I took a stand and did what I wanted. My decision had benefits but it also had numerous consequences.

It is most disconcerting in the locker room here at McKinley since I don't play a sport I have to take a physical education class for two years. Changing everyday with girls either yelling at me not to look at them or them tormenting me for even being in the girl's locker room. Thankfully, it let up after some time but that was only when _my girl _got involved. Okay, she is nowhere near mine in my most fanatical dreams she is so if I can't be with her for real I might as well refer to her in my own musings. I give myself that latitude.

When I look in the mirror, I know that I can't really ever have the girl of my dreams. First of all she is straight and I haven't heard anything to combat that. As I sit in my classroom fiddling with my black rimmed glasses that slide across the bridge of my nose, my side-swept bangs messy and unkempt occasionally twirling my slightly curled ink black locks I ponder about my sophomore year at McKinley and the arrival of a hurricane causing irrevocable change otherwise known as Quinn Fabray.

She transferred to our school sophomore year and her very first impression left the student body parting in the wake of her very presence. In retrospect, I really had no chance to not let this girl consume my every waking thought she is that effervescent, beautiful and lit with life. Quinn Fabray walked down the hallway that first day of sophomore year in a baby blue striped dress, a cardigan sweater and cute blue sneakers. I can remember everything. My first impression was; this girl is so beautiful her hair from this far away looks like gold silk expertly styled and tousled shoulder length. I just stayed by my locker and stared at this natural beauty. Her locker is relatively close to me 3 over and I got a close look as she struggled with her combination.

Her slowly approaching form set every single one of my nerve endings on fire, it knotted up my stomach and just completely stunned me. Time stopped, all there was, was a gorgeous blonde new girl that I was already heavily crushing on at first site. It truly was love at first sight upon reflection now but when the girl turned towards me and smiled my mind short circuited all of sudden life's burdens were nonexistent she was happy so I became that way as well.

Her smile left me breathless staring at her beautiful face plump pink lips that looked absolutely maddening, a bone structure that almost seemed sculpted. Graceful was her entire aura her movement fluid like she was constantly dancing. The moment I made eye contact with her, absolutely shook my very foundation, her hazel eyes the most mesmerizing mix of colors as she minutely shifted. The light exposing their fluctuating colors between a mix of green and flecks of gold. All hope of retaining air left my lungs and if I had any semblance of my mind left I would've pulled out my inhaler. But I was frozen, prisoner, completely taken by this ridiculously attractive stranger.

I knew from the first time that I saw her that I wanted her, I also knew that I had no chance of getting her. She was popular, she was going to be prom queen, and she was meant to be the star quarterback's girlfriend. The queen of the social hierarchy... Not the freak's girl, not _my_ girl.

**PRESENT- QUINN'S POV**

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

The sound of constant beeping from the EKG machine was giving me mixed feelings. I like hearing it because the sound means Santana is still alive but I despised the beeping for being a constant reminder that Santana was currently lying on a hospital bed in front of me, unconscious.

Seeing her once flawless skin covered in bruises and wounds just twists up my insides. I can actually feel my heart breaking whenever my eyes would take in how broken she was. I have been in this hospital room for 2 days, everyone has been trying to get me to leave but I can't. I can't leave Santana here, I need to be here when she opens her eyes. I need to tell her how sorry I am and how I really feel about her.

It isn't too late... She isn't gone. Screw what the doctor said. I refuse to believe that there is a chance that Santana Lopez won't wake up. She's the fucking strongest person I know, she has to wake up. She just has to...

She has to open her eyes so I can tell her those three words I've been struggling to keep in all this time.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for the alerts and favorites they make my day! Please review it gives me motivation to continue :) Shout out to my awesome beta (also my quinn) FairyLies you are truly wonderful thank you for your support and help!_

_ Quinn's POV next chapter it will switch on and off throughout this story._

**SOPHOMORE YEAR- SANTANA'S POV**

I never had the courage to really talk to Quinn during the school year. I just longingly watched and admired her from afar. You would think an intellectual such as myself could rationalize and compartmentalize my emotions. That I could derive an empirical explanation to dispel this state after all it was just simple biology, the limbic system, hormones. If I utilized that reasoning though relying on pure scientific inquiry to quantify my state I would come to a false conclusion. I would simply be lying to myself and I have done enough of that in the past. As if I even had a chance with her, with all her suitors from the very_ 'distinguished'_ pool of McKinley's elite. My chances decreased even more because of that oaf, that simpleton, that _cro magnon_ man known as Finn Hudson, also known as Quinn Fabray's new boyfriend. There is a hierarchy present in high school where the top only associate with those in the same social class and where the bottom feeders, _the peasants, _are left with no claim to a greater social stature. This is all just an ironic repetition of the flawed Feudal system, it's still present nowadays but with a modern twist. You can clearly see this medieval way of thinking in high schools that are filled with immature teenagers.

She started going out with the quarterback after his relentless persistence. Though I had no possessive claim over her, seeing him with her; the sight of his hands on her skin made my blood boil. It's her life, her decision but the day I found out she was actually taken by someone a part of me died. It felt as if someone wrapped barbed wire around my heart, the pain was enough to pierce through my very core.

That night I went home and played Billie Holiday on repeat. I broke down and just cried my eyes out, ugly sobs racking through my body. Cries of anger, frustration and desolation shaking my very being. It wasn't even the feeling of rejection that had me so emotional, it was the fear of being alone for the rest of my high school life. Never having Quinn Fabray by my side.

In her hazel eyes, I was nothing but a stranger; a mere face in the student body. My voice got hoarse from crying and singing along to the utterly dark despaired tone of a broken Billie, at least she understood me.

I saw Quinn again the next day and just the sight of her caused all the overwhelming feelings of longing to flood back. I just kept wishing that the agonizing yearning I had for Quinn Fabray would disappear just like her single status did. The only upside was that I felt extraordinarily inspired during all of this. I have never felt so spellbound by my poetry, songwriting, Glee performances; everything I did had a deeper reason thus it was all much more compelling and resonant.

I stood on the stage next to the piano and sang 'Songbird' in the choir room just to bring me a bit of respite during such an emotional period. The act was both satisfying and frustrating. I was doomed to wallow with this secret in solace, the blonde was bound to never discover the hidden feelings I had for her. In my bitter dreams, I meet her at our high school reunion ten years down the line. The fact that I was a rich and prominent doctor doesn't stop her from laughing in my face when I drunkenly confess my feelings for her. The hazy vision of her fiddling with her wedding ring while speaking to her husband was enough to rob me of sleep and leave me to miserably toss and turn in my bed. The nightmare was scary because it could have easily been real, it could actually still be...

You know that you are truly in love when every waking thought in your mind is about someone else's well-being. I sincerely hope that Quinn gets everything she wants in life, she deserves nothing but the best. I know that life is cruel and that it can easily change a person indelibly but I just pray that there would be something, anything that would prevent Quinn from turning into someone she isn't. Angels like her should not dwell in the depths of this malicious world she should never experience what I have. (In my wildest dreams I hoped it would be me that would protect her.) For her to remain who she is, the ray of sunshine in this bleak high school life.

My emotional turmoil fueled me to have some shining moments in Glee, much to Rachel Berry's dismay. The diva was nosy so she constantly interrogated me to question my change. She couldn't get it out of me though, no one could. I sang Adele in front of them for a competition audition during the wake of my feelings for Quinn Fabray and it granted me respect and admiration from the whole audience. They were captivated by my voice, which never really happened in the past. I guess singing like almost everything else is better with feelings...

The people who used to only tentatively tolerate me got rid of their previous misconceptions and granted me enough room to be a part of the group. I was no longer swaying in the background harmonizing it was an amazing and addictive feeling. In Glee, my world, I found a measure of happiness and confidence in myself. Glee helped with coping with all of the burdens and challenges in my life, though most of those around me were ignorant to the obstacles I was facing. Despite that I still felt like the Glee kids were going to be my friends for a long time.

Though Glee helped tremendously with all the relentless torment I was dealing with during sophomore year... I only really survived because I had a reason to go to school every day. I _needed_ to go to school every day so I could see Quinn Fabray. Though unattainable just the sight of her kept me going. She's an angel, a singular anomaly in this high school. Her behavior was unheard of for someone who belonged to the horde of mean girls or _'queens of the school'_ that came before her. She never stooped to the past Cheerios' level of baseless negativity and sadism of seeing others suffer through various titillating forms of humiliation.

I believe that that's just who Quinn is, she just spreads joy. She's so open and caring to other that they can't help but return the sentiments out of respect. It's admirable how she made the most horrific stereotype of jocks and bullies crumble. Thus even though Finn, every teenage boy still sought after her, took her.

Quinn's very presence was enchanting, her voice so melodious. Just hearing it could make me blush even if ethnic people don't really blush. I could always isolate her voice in the typical commotion of McKinley's hallways. It was truly special, just the tone was so airy and beautiful like a wind chime but at the same time authoratively sexy. Hearing her break up a fight a couple of Cheerios were having was so dangerously attractive, she became the woman in charge. Just when I think I can't desire her more, I discover something new.

One day in the locker rooms for P.E. she even came to my rescue. Cheerios didn't need to go to normal P.E. classes but Quinn had to since she just transferred and did not have physical education during first year. Coach Sylvester got her out of it after a couple of months, she pulled some strings and bypassed Principle Figgins' rules.

During those classes it was such sweet torture for her to be so close yet so far away, so near yet unattainable. I had to keep fighting the urge to just face her and openly stare at her because all of the glimpses of her perfect body were just simply addicting. Her body was gorgeous clad in only her sports bra and underwear it displayed her toned, athletic yet feminine form deliciously. Her legs, abs and shapely ass were on full display and they had me hot. Coach Sylvester's training program couldn't even compare. Her form danced under my eyelids for weeks, I never felt such a white-hot desire for anyone before. Even though she left the P.E. class, the visions remained and found their way into my dreams, which I don't feel comfortable discussing but you can just guess.

Anyway, back to the story about her rescuing me, it was just some miserable day and one of the girls, who thought they were _'all that'_, thought I was checking her out. In reality though my back was turned to her and plus why would I even look at a slut like Brittany while Quinn was in the room? So Brittany and her group of girls decided to yell at me and even tried to kick me out of the locker room. Each and every one of their insults hurt, the words they threw at me left a burning sting in my chest, which caused me to shrink.

I quickly put on my school clothes and tried to get out of there but then some girl took my glasses. Then my tormentors decided to form a circle around me and push me around the space like a rag doll. If I wouldn't hit a guy for being a bully then there was no way I would hit a girl even if she did deserve it. It's part of my moral code to avoid violence but during this incident I reached my breaking point. I started to see red so I wrist locked a girl then pushed another one off of me. Then I demanded for my glasses, I showed a little more fight this time before I was mauled by all of them. I couldn't see anything because I was blind without my glasses; I was feeling hopeless and vulnerable until I heard a voice.

Quinn told them to stop then she asked Brittany if she actually saw me do what I was being blamed for. Then she told Brittany that the name-calling was unacceptable and uncool and would result to the Cheerios losing all her friends. The wannabe popular girls immediately ceased and scattered, I could only tell because of the disappearing shadows on the floor and retreating sound of stomping feet.

The sound of Quinn arguing with someone filled the air followed by the sound of approaching footsteps. I flinched out of reflex when hands landed on me but instantly calmed down when the sweet smell of peaches and vanilla invaded my senses. Quinn apologized to me and her voice was just so soothing. She was the first person to ever apologize to me publicly.

I could barely make out her face without my glasses but I heard the sadness and silent anger in her tone. She then reached for my glasses and slowly and gently slid them on me, placing it on the bridge of my nose. As if she was scared that I would get frightened and bolt but in reality I was frozen, way too stunned.

I moved my hand from where it was and rested it on her forearm. I was so nervous, my heart was fluttering and it was leaving me out of breath. I felt electricity shoot through the tips of my fingers but only momentarily because she suddenly broke away. I opened my eyes and saw her face, I felt like fainting when I saw her looking at me with those soulful hypnotic golden green eyes. I murmured a quick thanks and she gave me a small smile before running off.

I then sat on the bench in front of my locker, analyzing every implication and moment that transpired... I even missed French class, which is utterly unheard of and unacceptable behavior for me. This cemented the fact that I would forever be hooked on Quinn Fabray because even though I was invisible, a complete no one, she had interacted with me. I was ecstatic but then time passed where nothing happened and it brought me back reality like a harsh slap to the face in this case my hopes and dreams. I was reminded that she would never be mine. Finn Hudson kissing her next to my locker did the trick. I was miserable, hurting and angry. I listened to a lot of music to try and quell the raging storm of my emotions.

It was one of those special days when Quinn was at her locker and the kids in between our lockers were late or busy making out thus giving me an unobscured view of Quinn who wasn't occupied with pleasantries of her boyfriend or locker mates. The improbable happens and Quinn actually looks at me, she acknowledges me by giving me a smile. Because I'm a freak such a simple gesture made me feel like the world was a beautiful and perfect. My insides quake under her fleeting gaze, my breath leaves my chest, and my knees become weak. It was a perfect moment.

During those moments I am completely at the gorgeous girl's mercy, for me those little moments that we share are way too short but I understand how risky it is for her to associate with someone like me. It's okay, I live for these polite smiles and nods of acknowledgement, sometimes I even have the confidence to return her shy smiles. Time stops when our eyes lock. I feel such an intense connection between us but it could just be my deepest hopes and imagination ensnaring my logical reasoning. My mind probably just fabricated my soul's desire like some kind of subconscious manifestation almost Freudian conclusion.

I worry for her sometimes, I can tell when she is having a hard day, her body language I can see when she is having a hard day her body language changes minutely like withdrawing into herself and it seems as if there is a lot more that is going on in her life that we the mere peanut gallery of observers are not privy to. I sometimes see the hint of pain that communicates through her hypnotic orbs and pursed lips but then she visibly becomes happier as if trying to chase the pain away or hide it. I have absolutely no idea what or who could be hurting Quinn she is just so inherently benevolent it has no justification in my mind but I yearn to take it away again, tame her demons for her. Someone so singular, unique, enrapturing and beautiful (I can't even think of more synonyms for beautiful that accurately describe her she is that enchanting) should not have to face or deal with the evils of the world we live in that I combat on a daily basis.

These observations of mine have made me even more curious about her and I feel like I can see parts of Quinn that others can't, that even her own boyfriend fails to discern. There are a couple of things everyone knows about Quinn though due to the gossip circulating around McKinley. It's common knowledge that she is originally from Savannah, Georgia and she moved to Ohio for her father's job. She is raised a devout Christian but that doesn't really mean that is her whole life. She is made to go to church, has started a celibacy club and attended the required ball. Her parents are not the nicest people and are harsh but she is happy being a cheerleader, she loves it.

Quinn's extracurricular passions are so fitting for such a muse like her, a Venus figure to me, she enjoys art and takes various classes. She has an old fashioned camera, probably vintage and from the 60's based on its construction, that she sometimes brings to school. She takes pictures during her study hall period, I have not seen her actually use it yet but I find the idea of her being so curious and observant of her surroundings cute and endearing. I often see books in her locker that are not required in the banal curriculum of this pathetic excuse of a school thus I know that she appreciates expanding her mind through various auxiliary pursuits and reads for pleasure. She volunteers as a Big sister in her church and mentors a young girl whose picture is in her locker. With each new detail of her life it affirmed what I felt I knew about her without even having a proper conversation. I didn't know it was possible to be this inexplicably tied to another person like my body and soul craved to be near her at all times.

I even started going to school events just to catch a glimpse of Quinn. I ventured to the cliché pep rallies and school dances where I stood awkwardly in the corner, only there to see her in that elegant homecoming dress. To say that I wasn't prepared for her beauty was an understatement, words failed me, which doesn't happen often. When I saw her dance elegantly in that curve hugging blue dress with her hair in soft curls framing her face and the rest of it elegantly tied up. She's a princess, absolute royalty, untouchable and simply magical in my eyes. I was enchanted and she was my everything.

By the end of the year Finn and Quinn were not getting along anymore because he became demeaning and neglectful to her. On Valentine's Day his present was an offer to have sex with him; no real sweet gift, no date nor romance for her. Nope, nothing just the 'privilege' of having sex with Finn Hudson. This outraged Quinn (and myself considerably even though I had no place to establish such a harsh sentiment) since she was a virgin and saving herself for marriage, which is a fact that Finn decided to announce to the world and attempt to change her. They broke up that morning.

How terrible is that? So, I decided to be her knight in shining armor albeit anonymously. During study period I went out to my car (I drive with a permit it's Lima) and left campus to buy some fancy stationary and a white rose red was too typical on this day and might be too forward for even me to handle. On the stationary I wrote a poem for Quinn from the notebook that held my every thought and feeling for my goddess, paradoxically my salvation and damnation to wallow in hell's depths without her presence. I never thought I would share anything in it to anyone but the state that she was in propelled me to take action. I chose a poem that spoke volumes to me, hoping it would also do the same to her.

In my black Audi I wrote what is hopefully a cute non-stalkery poem (and the white rose to be less presumptuous) that would hopefully make her smile. I wrote at the top that you deserve this on this special day and signed it anonymous. For some reason the words 'from your secret admirer' did not sound right so I settled for 'anonymous' then just drew a heart at the side of the paper since I just couldn't help myself. I hoped this made her feel special and cared for on such an important day where everyone was sickeningly joyous with his or her significant other. She is the most special, caring and giving person in my world and I felt the need to repay her for dragging me out of my depressive hole of despair the moment I saw her. She saved me.

For you,

Because you're Beautiful this poem's addressed to you

Because you're beautiful no matter what you do

Because you're beautiful the sun rises every day

Because you're beautiful the mist shrouds a dreamy day

Because you're beautiful a blossom blooms and holds its scent

Because you're beautiful songs sung in your heart are meant

Because you're beautiful reflections shine and glint

Because you're beautiful poems are written

Heaven sent

Because you are beautiful this is all that this poem's said

Just in case you may have any doubt

This poem's heaven sent to tell you you are beautiful

And that is what this poem is about.

You being beautiful

I walked back from my car with my gift safely in my backpack. I then approached her locker and did the special trick which I once saw the janitor doing to open a locker after Glee practice without a combo. Just bang on the locker twice in this particular spot and then the door will magically swing open. I placed the rose on the shelf with the stationary attached and quickly closed her locker.

I had no idea what her reaction was the next day or even during the day itself. She didn't make the gift publicly known and she didn't forgive Finn because she was now talking to Puck, the resident bad boy and Finn's best friend who plays football. The rest of the year I enjoyed the idea of leaving little poems to my beloved to see her smile the next day, visibly in a happier mood.

I wanted to tell her in a roundabout way how I feel; it took me hours to comb through my notebook of songs and poems dedicated to her just to choose the right one to convey the proper message. I knew it had to be perfect and so I left this poem to her on the same stationary signed anonymous with the another heart on the side just like before.

It also happened to be her birthday when I did this, which the imbeciles Puck and Finn forgot about. I felt that she deserves to smile again by giving her a reminder of how special and radiant she was even though others fail to see it or truly cannot appreciate it sometimes.

Quinn,

You changed my world with a blink of an eye

That is something that I cannot deny

You put my soul from worst to best

That is why I treasure you my dearest

You just don't know what you have done for me

You even pushed me to the best that I can be

You really are an angel sent from above

you take care of others and shower them with love.

I thank you for all the things you have done

before all I wanted to do was run

Now I am forever changed and in love

you are the singular and truly come from above

By the end of my sophomore year I only sent her those poems and never heard anything from her meaning she wasn't hunting for her admirer. She was still having issues with those ungrateful immature boys and from time to time I could see the pain in her eyes but her exterior always seemed happy and jovial.

I gathered that her boyfriends never understood her and I could see it plain as day that she was never completely invested in those relationships nor has she returned the looks of longing that she regularly received. In that way I continued on desperately clinging to my hopes and dreams. I continued pouring myself into music and poetry and I even managed to get some solos in glee, that small consolation made me feel somewhat confident in myself.

I still watched her everyday and every chance I could. We had some of those moments when she politely acknowledges me or smiles tentatively at me, but I think it's only because of her polite southern upbringing. If it was anything other than that, I think that knowledge alone would be crippling and absolutely shocking. Sometimes when I'm not completely stunned or spellbound, I return the sentiment with a shy smile in the midst of my love struck stupor. It never progressed or changed from that and every day I attempted to accept the inevitable fact that I will never have her. My beating heart kept yearning for more, for her. She had left an impression upon me that would never leave and it hurt to know that my soul would forever feel incomplete, broken without her.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you so much for all the alerts and reviews they mean the world to me! This is finally Quinn's POV and it will switch on and off throughout the story. Thank you so much to FairyLies whose work has been so amazing you are so supportive, wonderful and helpful thanks buddy! Shout out to Hphglover for the splendid review and all your support! And another shout out to Darlingswonderland for your awesome reviews and enthusiasm for this story!_**  
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_If you didn't know this already the story will remain a mystery and what happened will slowly unravel ;) Next chapter is the summer and this chapter was so hard to finish which is why it took so long so please tell me what you think. Enjoy! _

** Sweetest Downfall Chapter 3**

**PRESENT- QUINN'S POV**

"I don't know if you can hear me right now but I'm really hoping you can..." I whisper out from my chair beside Santana's hospital bed. "I need you to wake up for me, San. I need to see those beautiful brown eyes again."

I can feel my bottom lip shaking and the tears forming in my eyes again. Every single second I spend in this hospital room is just absolute excruciating torture. Seeing the girl who completely captivated me looking so lifeless on a hospital bed was killing me more and more every day.

I reach for the backpack I brought with me. Inside was the novel we worked on for English class, Santana's precious journal and one of her sweaters. Just a couple of things I brought to make me feel closer to her, to remind me how amazing she is. I take out the notebook that was well worn and torn from all the times Santana used it as an outlet for all her inner thoughts and feelings. I gently trace my fingertips over the textured black cover. It seems almost wrong that I've practically memorized everything that was written on the pages but once I started reading there was no way I could stop.

The way she wrote everything she felt through songs, poems and drabbles just amazed me. The fact that most of them were for me just made my heart clench knowing that I caused her so much pain. I always feel guilty while reading her works because they seem too private to be read by someone else by me even though she gave this to me, most of them were just meant for her.

The notebook was filled with all the beautiful thoughts that she kept inside, I knew I shouldn't have read it after doing what I did to her but turning the pages became addictive and necessary. I couldn't go a day without reading her works because they made me feel closer to her and they reminded me how strong she is. That she was strong enough to make it through all of this of what the world and what I put her through.

I always tear up when I reach the last page filled with her elegant penmanship, the notebook was only halfway full... She needs to wake up and finish it. It's a must for something so amazingly beautiful, masterful to be completed. I land on the page which held one of the two poems she sent me during Sophomore year. Those 12 lines cause my breath to hitch and my bottom lip to quiver every time I read them. I'm an idiot for not trying to find out who it was really was from 2 years ago. I'm more than an idiot for not realizing how lucky I was to have someone who was willing to write me poems just to make me smile.

I wasn't worthy of Santana's affection and attention then, _I'm still not_ and honestly I don't think I will ever be but I need another chance to treat her the way she deserves to be treated. To apologize to her, to tell her absolutely everything she needs to know and to make up for my misgivings if that is even possible. I know that I have caused so much damage, devastation the guilt and regret tugs at me drags me down but the fact that she will come back for me is all that I'm asking for. Yet I have no place to ask for such a chance, and I know that but I need this gift to show her how important she is to me, to just finally get over all of my fears and tell her the truth and the way I really feel about her. I know it isn't too late, it cannot be too late I refuse to believe it and let her go, my Santana. She has to wake up because I need to show her how much I love her. How much I _need_ her.

I swallow the lump that formed in my throat and I tried my best to hold back the tears. I wasn't really sure how to convey in words how important she is to me and I'm not as talented as her in writing but I wanted to try. I grabbed the pen on the bedside table and began writing a poem for her on one of the blank pages of the notebook. A poem that I read out loud right after writing, hoping she would give me even the smallest of reactions.

Without a word was how you left

the silence kills my soul

cold from the hurt my heart will stay

but my feelings for you I'll never let go

so I'll die with hope of thinking you'll come back

but my love was something you never had

Goodbye was what I could have at least said

or maybe I'm just not worth those words

or was it fear of the truth, my tears

well if so I hope you know they fall in the shadow of my soul

where my conscience calls to your name

Words my mouth can never say come to mind

I'd tell you that you are mine

In my gallery are pictures of you

you'll find in my heart

were dreams are only dreams made to never come true

but I'll always be dreaming of you

because hun it's you

the one I plead for the one I would bleed for

the one I need to _hold_.

The tears fell as soon as the last word left my mouth. I looked at her expectantly, hoping there would be even the slightest change because of what I just read aloud. There was nothing though, she was still frozen. Unconscious of the world around her. I broke down and the tears wouldn't stop falling, I began mumbling apologies and things I should've said a long time ago.

"I'm so, so sorry, Santana. Please come back to me, I need you." I sob out, clutching her hand still hoping that she would just squeeze mine to let me know that she can at least hear me. "Come on, please just come back. Give me a chance to show you how much you really mean to me, I'll be braver this time. I'll be better I will tell you everything this time just come back to me, please?"

My tears were falling all over her skin and the bed sheet causing it to become damp but I really couldn't stop crying even if I wanted to. Everything was so painful and I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. To the days where I had Santana in my arms, to the days where I was able to at least show her a little that I loved her even if I couldn't say it out loud.

Taking her for granted and lying to her was the stupidest things I've ever done, I've never regretted something so much before. She's the best part of my life and now that she's lying motionless on this hospital bed I can't seem but wonder how I was stupid enough not to let her know that. There's no one else in this world like Santana Lopez... No one could ever replace her.

"You wanna know something?" I whisper out before rubbing her cheek gently. "I love you. I was lying when I said I didn't... How can I not love you? You're perfect, San. I just- I- I was scared, okay? Now everything seems so stupid, I should've just told you I loved you. I need you to really hear me say it, alright? Come on, open your eyes for me and let me tell you how much I love you."

When there was still no reaction I bent my neck and buried my face into the bed spread. I allowed the material to muffle my sobs and catch my tears. Everything was just so scary and I wanted nothing more than Santana to wake up and wrap her arms around me, to tell me that everything was going to be okay like she did before. She was the one who saved me before and right now I need her to come back to me and save me again.

"Quinn?" My eyes widen as soon as I heard my name. I whipped my head up and looked at Santana. Her eyes were still closed though, nothing changed. "Quinn it's time to go home, dear." I face the door where one of the nurses was giving me a sad smile. It was just her who said my name... Ugh.

"I don't want to go." I say stubbornly before wiping the tears away from my eyes and interlacing my fingers with Santana's again. It physically hurts me to see her like this frail, this broken with wires, tubes and machines everywhere. I don't want to ever leave her side.

"I know you don't but visiting hours are over and Dr. Lopez says you can't sleep here anymore."

"Of course he'll say that! He doesn't care about her the way that I do, no one does." I say angrily. "She needs me, I need to be here when she opens her eyes. She's going to be confused and she needs me to be there when she's conscious again."

"They said that she might not-"

"Don't finish that sentence, please." I say softly, I can't handle hearing _it_ again. "Okay, I'll leave just give me 5 minutes to say good night."

"Alright, Quinn don't worry you can come back tomorrow morning."

"I know and of course I'll be here." I give her the best smile I could come up with just to be polite. I didn't mean to get snappy with her it's just this whole situation had been so frustrating. She smiles back and leaves the room. My focus is instantly back on Santana.

"I have to go, but you know I'll be back as soon as I can. Hang in there, okay? You're the strongest person I've ever met and I know you can do this. I love you." I lean in caress her face and plant a chaste kiss on her cheek and corner of her lips. I bite back the tears, the people in this hospital have seen me bawling my eyes out way too many times... I place the notebook back in my bag and put on her sweater. It still smells like her and whenever I'm not in the hospital I put on something she owns just to feel closer to her.

My body heads home but my heart and mind remain in a small room with white walls. They're still with the person who has completely stolen them, the one person they will always yearn for.

It was another sleepless night, no matter how tired I am, sleep always seems to escape me. It doesn't matter if I haven't had decent rest in days, everything ached way too much for me to sleep. I bring one of Santana's hoodies to my face and inhale deeply, hoping it would relax me enough so I can at least nap for a few hours. No luck though.

My journal catches my eye from the foot of my bed, I stopped sleeping in the dark in Junior year after the _incident_. I reach for it and open it up flipping through my entries of when I first got here to one of the blank pages, I wanted to say so much to Santana and I figured since she can't hear me right now I'll just write it down and read it to her when she wakes up. I know she was going to wake up, I'm sure of it... She can read everything I was too afraid to say, everything that she deserves to know when she opens her eyes again.

I bring the pen to the lined paper and began scribbling everything that I wanted to tell Santana...

_"I found love in a hopeless place." God, you can write about me so eloquently but I have to use lyrics from someone like Rihanna... It's true though. I did find love in a hopeless place because I found someone like you in a place like Lima, Ohio. I hate myself for not being able to tell you how I felt before all of this. You deserved to know, you deserved to hear those three words from my mouth I shouldn't have lied to you, pushed you away. I shouldn't have hid all my feelings for you, the truth... It was the stupidest thing I've ever done._

Sighing and throwing my pen in frustration, I stopped writing for Santana. The words I was writing weren't doing her justice at all, so I decide to look back at my mistakes, at how this all started. Hoping it will help with finding some logic in this fucked up situation. I wish I could just give my notebook, which holds the truth to Santana but for now all I can do is hope, pray and wait. I begin reading through my past entries, through the things I would tell her right now if she was with me.

_-x-x-x-x-x-_

Moving to Lima, Ohio had its pros and cons. I hated the idea because I was leaving behind idyllic Georgia; losing my home, losing some of my relatives, losing most of my friends... For what? For a place full of strangers, for a place I never really wanted to go to... I was going to miss the sense of community back in Savannah where Southern hospitality was prominent. I guess my dad didn't really think about how I would feel before he took the promotion. It's fine though my opinion never really mattered in the Fabray household anyway. Frannie, my older sister, wasn't much help either. She was going to college this year so the move wasn't going to affect her that much, she wouldn't be living with us anymore. That means my parents' focus would be on me. Ugh. I have to be as perfect as possible, not that my family was perfect... Frannie was close to it though, she was the golden child. The spotlight was always on her while I blended with the background. I didn't mind though because I had more freedom to do whatever it is that I wanted to do... Though "more" wasn't a lot.

A good thing about moving was it gave me a new start. It gave me the chance to make a name for myself, to become more than Francesca's little sister. Savannah was a small community so everyone knew everything about everyone else. Going to a place where no one knows you gives you the opportunity to become whoever it is you want to be. That's a nice thought; being able to recreate and portray myself that way I want to. It sucks losing your friends but I guess it was inevitable, I didn't really have a choice when my dad told me we were moving. Forever the obedient daughter... Oh well at least I can finally stop being in Frannie Fabray's shadow. I can finally be me.

I found out during our last dinner in Georgia that I would be attending McKinley High, a public school, it was definitely going to be different from St. Mary's. I wasn't sure how different but the fact that I was going to attend a co-ed school was already a drastic change. The thought made me feel uneasy but I tried not to dwell on the negatives, at least they had a cheer squad. I was really hoping that all of those years in gymnastics wouldn't go to waste.

Our new house and neighborhood were nice... It's something he would pick out, the colonial style really shows his personality. I hate it, I hate him. I silently watched as the movers carefully unloaded all of our belongings, it's a strange feeling moving to a new house. Filling all the empty surfaces with your stuff and trying to make it feel more like 'home'. I ran upstairs as soon as my father told to pick out a room. Of course I chose the one farthest away from theirs so I could hear their footsteps and have ample time to hide whatever it is that I'm doing that they don't approve of. My room is my sanctuary, my safe haven.

I made sure to carefully unpack all my treasured photography equipment, sketching supplies and prized book collection filled with first editions. All of these things that my dad refers to as "junk" are the most important things in my life. They honestly keep me sane.

My first day in McKinley High was definitely an experience. I woke up really early to obsess over my hair, my clothes, my shoes, my- _everything_. I wanted to look good and make a good first impression. I was scared shitless when I first walked down those halls, McKinley was a lot bigger than St. Mary's and a lot more intimidating. It was an odd feeling having strangers stare at you, I knew it wasn't because I looked different since my wardrobe choice was similar to a lot of students' so it was probably because I was new. The curious stares were a welcomed change though because if I was still in St. Mary's someone would have come up to me already asking about Frannie. I liked not being known as _'The Younger Fabray'_.

The lack of uniform in McKinley made it a lot more colorful than St. Mary's. I really got to see all the different high school cliques. On my way to my locker I ran into a number of jocks and cheerleaders. I honestly couldn't wait to try out for the Cheerios, gymnastics was always my way of blowing off steam and I was really hoping that cheerleading would serve the same purpose. While I was placing my stuff in my locker a tall, cute yet awkward boy came up to me. He introduced himself as Finn Hudson then offered to show me around. I gladly accepted and I honestly thought that people in Lima would be as nice as the people back in Savannah... I was so wrong.

I found out the next day that Lima was full of cruel people. It was during Cheerios' tryouts and I saw just how different people here were compared to those in the south. They were mean to each other for no reason and insults were a part of everyday life. Even the Coach, Sue Sylvester was horrible she was rude and used her words to bring the hopefuls and even those who were already part of the team down. I was lucky though because she liked me and she said that I reminded her of a younger version of herself. Up to this day I'm not entirely sure why I was really given the captain position but it's not good to question blessings... I didn't know it was going to be _this_ hard to be the Head Cheerleader though.

My new status and position kinda made me famous in school... More and more guys approached me every day, hitting on me every chance they got. I didn't like the constant flirting and leering I was receiving. That was the first time I ever thought that having a boyfriend would be a good idea. I thought that being 'taken' would lessen the annoying offers.

I'm not going to lie though and say that I don't enjoy the popularity It's nice having people treat me well in school, it's a break from the way my parents and Frannie treat me back home. The downside of being popular though was seeing how different it was for those at the bottom of the social pyramid. For example this one girl whose locker is across from mine. She was different and I could see that she was bullied for it. The way she dressed was unlike what was considered normal in the school and people were mean to her because of that. She chose a more conservative style khakis, sweaters and plaid button ups. The first time I saw her though, I noticed how beautiful her eyes were behind those black rimmed glasses and dark side swept bangs. Is it weird that I wanted to capture a photo of her so that I could sketch her later on? Kinda weird... Oh well, maybe I will if ever we really cross paths.

Finn asked me to become his girlfriend a bit later on and I gladly said yes. Frannie would be proud of me since she was always teasing me about not having a real boy when I was younger. I didn't know though if I liked the fact that she would be proud of me. I always thought that I didn't need a boyfriend to make me happy, independence was always important to me but now my views were changing. I was just so tired of the random guys feeding me pick up lines and I just wanted it all to stop, I though having Finn would make it all stop. Wrong.

Oh well Finn was nice though, a bit awkward and not that great of a kisser but he was always a gentleman to me. He made me feel like he really cared about me and that made me smile most of the time. Also, my parents liked him... My father likes the fact that his dad was a soldier and he thinks that Finn's future plans were amazing. I don't understand why a football scholarship to some community college was so _amazing_ but I never really understood my father anyway... I wasn't sure if my parents and Finn getting along was a good thing but whatever; I was allowed out more since they liked my boyfriend.

Hmm... Boyfriend. I honestly thought that word would make more of a difference. I thought that being in a relationship would be more interesting than this. I was looking forward to all that romantic fireworks thing I saw in movies, television series, books and even in Frannie's life. I didn't really feel anything magical with Finn though. I guess I was just expecting more out of finally being someone's girlfriend.

Growing up in a strict Christian home is pretty difficult; my dad stopped me from doing a lot of things. He just kept suffocating me and preventing me from truly being happy but now that Finn is here he seemed to allow me to do a lot more things. They really liked Finn and my new boyfriend would even go to church with us on Sundays. My dad still limited me when it came to a lot of things though, oh well I was pretty used to it. He was always in charge anyway, my mom was just physicaly there doing everything he expected of her. Just like me. I hate going home and facing him, I hate having to smile and pretend to be someone I wasn't.

As time went on McKinley changed me. I started doing things I never even would've considered doing in the past. I allowed the power I gained from becoming head cheerleader to change me. I became someone I wasn't. I used my status as being a leader of a winning team to boss people around. I attended parties that I only pretended to enjoy. I hated who I was becoming ever since I moved to McKinley. After I first slushied someone I realized I was becoming a monster... I quickly changed back to the old me and even if people didn't understand why they didn't question my behavior. I was the first 'nice' HBIC.

Lima was nothing like Savannah and I was definitely not in St. Mary's anymore. The bullying here was insane, daily slushie facial, kids being thrown in dumpsters before the bell even rang, constant shoving to lockers... I hated it but I couldn't do anything about it, the only thing I was able to do was not be a part of it. I just tried to ignore it there was no way I could tame all the bullies, even if I was the head of the Cheerios there was only so much I could do...

I remember the day I actually snapped though... We were in the girl's locker room and I saw a group of wannabe Cheerios harassing the girl who dressed differently who they picked on the most. They yelled at her nasty insults and surrounded her began pushing her around, I felt so sorry for her. No one deserves to be treated that way, no matter how different you are its inhumane. I broke my only rule- 'ignore the bullying'. I went up to the group and got them to leave the poor girl alone, I grabbed her glasses from one of the bullies. I walked slowly up to her and touched her gently but she flinched away from touch. I really wanted to kill Brittany and those bitches for scaring her so much. It was such a sad sight seeing someone so frightened like that.

I made her face me though and I carefully placed her glasses back on. In that moment I realized how beautiful she really was, those eyes I noticed when I first saw her were just something else. If I wanted to sketched her before, I needed to sketch her now. She was actually stunning and it wasn't fair that the rest of the school couldn't see her for who she really was. 'Stunning' is really the best way to describe her because the moment I looked into those chocolate brown orbs I was basically stunned. She had such deep mocha skin, black thick eye lashes, those eyes and such full lips. She was blushing presumably still in anger I wanted to capture her in a painting like one of those gorgeous old romantic ones. I ran off because even if there was fear in those eyes, there was something else there and I felt a weird shock after touching her... Something so intriguing and something I just can't put into words. I bolted right after I placed on her glasses because I was too tongue tied to use actual words to comfort her. I just wish I could stop people from hurting her, I wish people would stop tormenting others for no reason. Sadly there wasn't really anything I can do to really protect her...

Life went on and I enjoyed my placed at the top. I loved all the cheerleading competitions, the Cheerios always emerged victorious which made the student body treat us like royalty. Home life was still the same and I still did whatever they told me to do just to avoid conflict.

My relationship with Finn began going downhill though. As time went on Finn kept pressuring me to go further... All his positive points began to disappear and I grew tired of how he was acting. I dumped him on Valentine's day when after he pretty much disrespected everything i believed in by offering to take my virginity as a gift. Seriously... What the hell was he thinking obviously not with his brain. It was pretty depressing being all alone and single during Valentine's day but I preferred being alone over being in a relationship with a pig.

I thought my first Valentine's day in McKinley would suck but as if Cupid was watching out for me; I found a single white rose and a poem in my locker. I knew it wasn't from Finn because he obviously had no romantic bone in his body... The small sweet act was enough to keep smiling for the rest of the day and make me believe that real love wasn't actually lost in the world we live in. The poem touched me made my heart beat faster it was so simple and special. I stuck the short but cute poem at the corner of my mirror so I could read it every morning and allow it to bring a smile to my face.

I wanted to find out who the poem was from but I had way too many suitors to figure it out. Noah Puckerman was the first one to really grab my attention after Finn, he was pretty straight forward and that was a good thing since I was tired of Finn's deceptive ways. I knew though that the poem wasn't from him cause he wasn't really the romantic writer type... Noah was attractive but I still didn't swoon because of the things he did. Yeah he was charming and everything but I still didn't have that feeling in my chest where every moment we spent together felt perfect. I kept him around though because he was nice and he made me feel less lonely. I still didn't give myself to him though he was pretty persistent.

The lack of feeling with Noah kind of scared me... What if I wasn't meant to ever find real love? What if I would never be able to experience _those_ feelings? What if I'm cursed to forever be numb? A lot of scary thoughts filled my mind but I knew I was still young... So I'm hoping my time would come. The poem that was left in my locker gave me hope that one day I would actually be able to truly feel things and be happy with him.

I tried to use up all my time so my dark thoughts couldn't consume me. I spent most of my free time taking pictures and sketching. Photography has always been a passion because being able to capture pictures allows me to have a keepsake of a moment. To have a visual remembrance of something beautiful. I was able to freeze moments I wanted to remember forever using my camera. Sketching to me was more beautiful though, like photography you are able to capture something beautiful. But when you sketch something there is a part of you in that page and in those pencil marks. Something uniquely you that can't be recreated by anyone else ever. Arts was my escape from the real world, it helped with surviving.

It's strange though, I haven't touched my sketchbook ever since that day I rescued Santana Lopez, the girl people bullied, in the locker room. I knew I wanted to sketch her but the fact that I haven't sketched anything ever since was pretty ridiculous... I just can't get those deep soulful brown eyes out my head whenever I try to fill a blank page in my sketchbook. I really need to take a picture of that girl soon.

It was my birthday and one of the last days before Sophomore year ended, I got a typical teddy bear from Puck and a party thrown in my honor. I didn't really appreciate all the superficial gifts but one gift stood out. There was another poem in my locker and I knew it was from the same person who sent me the first one. He used the same stationary and placed the same heart at the side. As I read the elegant script I could only describe the overwhelming feelings I felt as 'swooning' because I felt swept off my feet with emotion. The words were beautiful and they made my heart flutter, I really wanted to find out who this mystery boy was. Maybe he would be able to get rid of this ever present feeling of loneliness. I would never admit in my moments of loneliness I would sit at my mirror and cry wishing for something more of finding real love down the line. If I find him this admirer I would treasure him always.

_-x-x-x-x-x-_

I stop reading my journal after finishing the Sophomore year entries... Savoring and reminiscing the mere moments I mentioned Santana I feel so numb and empty knowing where she is now. Then I felt like actual 'guilt' was flowing directly through my veins that she wasn't here with me in my arms. She is a hospital bed and all I have of her is not nearly enough. Remembering how I acted, how I wasn't brave enough for Santana made me feel sick. If I could take back everything, I would in a heartbeat... I would give anything to have those moments back with her just to see her even when I didn't know her. I grab my sketchbook and open it to my first finished sketch of Santana. My 'talent' isn't good enough to really show how perfect she is, God I miss her so much it makes my insides twist in unimaginable pain I thought I couldn't cry anymore today boy was I wrong. I would do anything to take it all back and have her here with me. Seeing her features again the pain I managed to capture reminded me of my mistakes, how she must be suffering. I am in agony as I delicately trace the lines of her beautiful face as if she was right in front of me. I toss my sketchbook to the floor out of sheer frustration and open my journal back to the page where I began writing for Santana. I click the pen a couple of times before scribbling down more sentences.

_I should have figured out that it was you all along, I should have made you feel the things you made me feel. I should have made you feel loved and appreciated. I should have been better for you. So please give me another chance and come back to me... I know you're going to wake up any day now because you're not planning on leaving me, right? You know how much I need you and that's why you're gonna get through all of this. Please for me, for us._

_I love you, Santana._

I say those last four words out loud. I'd give anything in this world right now for her to actually hear me say them. I close my notebook and safely place it on top of the table beside my bed. I get under the covers and hug Santana's hoodie close to my body. I just wish the fabric would magically transform into the person who owns it.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Fairylies is now focusing on her own stories. I want to thank Hphglover for helping me beta when I needed it. I can't thank you enough. I went to Italy for a month and had minimal Internet access but had the time of my life. I am back in the states and now devoted to finishing this story if you bear with me. I will not skimp on the quality of this fic and will take my time to make it perfect. I will be slower without my previous co writer. Reviews and feedback are love and I wrote this in a bad spot in my life and it helped me. Thank you for reading this I savor every review. Angela's face claim is Jessica szohr. Only thing I own is Angela Johnson. I don't own glee and reviews are love._**

**_Bold is Santana dialogue and _**_Quinn is italics :) (i am working on my dialogue skills sorry)_

Chapter 4

Santana's POV summer of sophomore year:

As I said the year came to an end and I was every bit as enthralled with Quinn Fabray as before. Upon thorough introspection, I still have absolutely no clue how someone I interacted with only one time where words were actually exchanged and whom I still didn't know could pierce through my barriers to the very core of my heart. It didn't sit well with me to be absolutely out of control, or that something was happening outside of my plan. Logically, this is preposterous how could I allow this to happen? The plan was to fly through high school without any complications, no romantic entanglements whatsoever since it would have been easier that way but fate and its cruel irony descended upon me. I don't need to reiterate the impossibility, the absurd notion of what my heart desires, which is Quinn Fabray. Yet despite the fact I didn't wish for these feelings and it makes my life definitely more complicated. I still cling to my heart's desire. Disregarding logical thinking is not in my nature but Quinn is changing me and she doesn't even know it.

The only comparison to relate to this phenomenon within my world of academics and literature is Homer's epic poem the Odyssey. I know (what you're thinking, but) just wait for this long winded metaphorical explanation and I will clarify. It's just really odd for me to cling to Greek Mythology... Quinn is like a siren's call to me, to my soul. I think of the scene in the Odyssey where Odyssues' beauty ensnares a fair maiden. Instead of Odysseus washing up ashore encountering the young girl Nausicaa and enrapturing her and propelling her into a love spell upon first glance Quinn was my epitome of beauty and perfection that I could not handle or ignore. Odysseus was graced, painted like a masterpiece by Athena. He was blessed more than any mere mortal he was chosen as Athena's canvas and he graced the world as something to behold. Naturally I see Quinn the same way and fell prey to her as well in her blinding magnificence.

Quinn's swift effect on me can only compare to Athena's divine intervention or Aphrodite herself playing amusing games of love with her cupid son, his arrows striking upon me the very day she stepped into my school. But just like in antiquity there is no happy resolution to Odysseus and Nausicaa. In hindsight my plight has only potential for devastating tragedy and heartbreak. In the poem Nausicaa's (the unsuspecting maiden) is actually royalty. Even being a princess and actually falling in love with Odysseus wasn't enough for her to get married to the man of her dreams. How disheartening is that someone of means and status can't even achieve the impossible… What about me?

As I contrast the difference between Nausicaa and myself I realize I am nowhere near royal or special to even be in the realm to woo Quinn Fabray. Its just societal rules: the rich, the elite they never deign below their class. History and society has taught us that from birth. I'm a peon, invisible in her world. In her eyes I am the wrong gender. For once I wish I were a boy, a normal guy that can ask the new pretty girl out like in all the movies. How can I, Santana Lopez, be anywhere near or deserving of the Quinn Fabray? I have already raised her on such a high pedestal…what I would do for her…

Next, reality sets in Odyssues subsequently leaves her (Odysseus also devastatingly left his girlfriend Calypso). Odysseus leaves behind such epic disaster by single handedly destroying the society's port and livelihood. That is Chaos and disorder and what I feel for Quinn in this reality is just as dangerous as the havoc Odysseus caused. I know the feelings I have for Quinn can barely be kept inside locked up. These feelings can implode like the port did in Nausicaa's kingdom it could be a disaster for me yet Quinn and Odysseus would be unscathed.

The hardships I am dealing with like being gay in this town, to breach the untouchable, elite by wanting Quinn. It does not bode well for any individual despite their varying gender and sexuality. I guess that is what youth and high school is to make stupid mistakes. I know what I feel is real though. It would be miserable to wander in existence without a human connection. Maybe for the future I can know what I feel for a girl meaning discerning infatuation from love now I have an eternal comparison Quinn.

I hope I have a romantic future I would hate to live or die alone. That is cruel I have been so alone despite people around me they make me feel more alone. I want someone a friendship, a confidant something lasting. We will have to see I guess and hope for the best.

I also have drawn connections with both of these two characters in mythology to where it hits home. In Odysseus he is the lost, trapped, wayward, and intelligent yet forgotten. Then Odysseus struggles by clawing his way desperately hoping to go home and be safe in his rightful place. I am lost in this world waiting to escape the traps of high school to make something of myself, to be seen and understood but it won't happen not in the depths of nowhere like Lima, Ohio. I also identify with the girl Nausicaa; enchanted by someone that I never expected to be enchanted by. Such a beauty like no other in this world both graced with gifts that made us susceptible and enthralled.

I never thought of actually having a girlfriend or serious relationship in Lima for the record. It would be impossible, not an option, but now seeing Quinn everyday near my locker made me long for what I couldn't have. It consumes me sometimes... ok maybe... a lot. I hate that Quinn is changing my perspective from choosing a safe high school experience to one more dangerous and risky where I put my true self forward. I can honestly say though that I wouldn't change the danger or be rid of these feelings. A world without the goddess that is Quinn Fabray is unimaginable to me.

Quinn's charm was infectious to everyone around her because she is irresistible. I always enjoyed romance novels to an extent since they can be beautiful sometimes. Mostly, though, plot lines are cliché and girls are cast in some negative gender representation and the exhibitionism of male dominance by being the hero so to speak sickens me. So I scarcely truly enjoyed them except for the classics, which hold a dear place in my heart. I will never again scoff at the preposterous dramatics of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet again. Their suffering was so unreal and fantastical to me but now with Quinn in the picture I have reevaluated my stand quickly.

The knowledge of my secret getting out scares me no matter the amazing feelings that I experience like the flutters of my heart to the pulse pounding I get at her very glance. If Quinn or someone else got a hold of that information it would create the demise of one Santana Lopez. Odysseus left Penelope who genuinely loved him; left her behind in the dust creating broken hearts in his wake. I would be the broken one in Quinn's wake. Suddenly Romeo and Juliet's romance became more meaningful: two star-crossed lovers who are ill fated; their impetuous true young love not accepted in their society. Only it became too late and ended in a travesty. This glaring message from Shakespeare and Odysseus indicates that what I feel for Quinn is no childish infatuation but true feelings that left me with a sense of wary foreboding.

It's this morose type of thinking that transcended the wall of denial my parents use for emotional distance. This has broken through because they noticed my moping and are now acting oddly concerned. This hasn't happened since I came out. Usually after a school year it's a pleasant time in the Lopez household. I give them my shining, perfect, report card and outline my life with both recreational and academic pursuits for the summer like the summer programs of late. They took notice of me for once and it wasn't because I have signed up for the Harvard Summer program for 3 weeks in July to take classes on their campus. My mother, Maribel, was not having this mood. I dragged on idle in this household to quote her in more couth English so she pushed me out of the house as much as possible. Less time to mope while busy was her motto.

I found myself driving to the only arguably interesting places in Lima that I could enjoy like the Lima Bean, the theater, bookstore and mall, etc. This appeased her but she wasn't completely satisfied based on her little jabs of sarcasm and needling here and there. I then decided to find a part time job this summer until Harvard; work experience is good for a resume after all. I knew that the esteemed Lopez name would saddle me into some intense hospital or medical internship with a close colleague where they could be around periodically monitoring my progress like two vultures and prey. That did not sound the least bit appealing therefore I preemptively struck by getting and interviewing for a job. I found a flyer at the Lima Bean on their bulletin board and it was an advertisement to be a lifeguard at the Lima Community Center working at the outdoor pool. I interviewed for the job and had all the necessary qualifications since I was a good swimmer, had lifeguard training, and CPR certification which I did last summer so it was simple. I start next week now so I am going to strike on this job dilemma to deter and silence my parents.

As I break the news to my parents at the dinner table the look of distaste spreads across their features and the argument ensues. "How will this look on your resume? This is not worthy of your time and does not reflect well as something more academic and you are applying to colleges next year..." The lecture aside I behaved like the good daughter and then presented my case: accepting a job and quitting it would look worse, I am allowed to have fun, I am already going to Harvard later in the summer and that is my academic resume boosting activity where I will take intensive business management courses because a background in business is beneficial for someone in the medical profession these days. They begrudgingly accepted and gave up but then I guess they are used to disappointment from me. I will never be smart enough or good enough for them. I know that ever since I came out I'm no longer their perfect daughter and am now an embarrassment. Well there is no changing me I am this way; I am gay and it's not going to be miraculously cured for their piece of mind and society's conventions.

Since I have the weekend before I start my job I take the time to actually do something for myself. As an intellectual, repeating a pattern disregarding the outcome and receiving the same results while expecting another outcome is insanity. Though this is a colloquial pithy saying a grain of truth presents itself in this statement. I long for the unattainable all year long and expect a result that is never likely to occur. I will never be romantically involved with Quinn. This is not an 90's teen movie where the loser geek gets the girl. This is real life, this is Lima, Ohio and I refuse to let myself succumb to these chimerical machinations, naive notions of hope and true love. I suffer and wallow through high school enough, I don't want to make my life any more painful and Quinn Fabray is capable of ruining me. It brings me back to Romeo and Juliet except my Juliet will never know I exist, there is no magical masquerade party where first glance claims their hearts recognizing their soul mates beginning their whirlwind love affair. Our eyes have met, she has touched me, rescued me and spoken to me and it brought no Cinderella magical fantastical effect on her. She still is the Queen bee of the school, the most sought after that wouldn't deign to speak to me. Now she is Puck's girl and that despicable cretin is not worthy to grace her presence let alone touch her. He is so crass, lewd and revolting and I don't see how that appeals to her. But who am I to question her choices? I don't know her, I have no say or claim and I am nothing to her.

I digress; the point was I am tired of losing, and tired of reasoning and logic how something I thoroughly subscribe to and practice keeps being usurped by emotion due to one Helen of Troy temptress in Quinn Fabray. I pride myself in being a realist, a pragmatist and as a third party observer I evaluated and concluded that I need to change this behavior, take action and initiative. So as a logical next course of action I decided to get out of this town and drive into the city Columbus to attend weekly LGBTQ meetings and support groups to talk and meet other people who are not in the heterosexual norm that is my hometown. Maybe I can perhaps create some beneficial relations and actually find an attainable girlfriend... I would be able to feel not like the one woman gay army defending myself in Lima as per usual. Maybe having friends and telling my story to others instead of writing or internalizing it and locking it deep inside will assuage my pain. The meetings run biweekly and I have chosen the "teenage/high school" group or well rather I was placed there when I signed up online.

As I walked up to the community center, the nondescript, oddly geometrical building seemed intimidating and my nerves were ever present. I walked into the building on a Saturday and noticed the parking surprisingly full as people bustled in and out. The people I saw entering seemed around my age, for instance a teenaged girl with parents. It surprisingly warmed my heart to see them try to change and understand for their child.

Some colorful adults walked out and it was so refreshing to see grown LQBTQ people living their lives. God knows there aren't any in Lima except for Kurt. Maybe I should have asked him to come with me even though I vaguely know him. Consequently though I couldn't openly talk about Quinn with the gossip prince of McKinley (Ben Israel is the king with his insufferable blog and the royal court are the cheerleaders) but it might be nice to be here with someone I know to chat with before and after. I am attempting to be less awkward in foreign social settings. I think I will take that idea into consideration for next time. Systematically and strategically I deemed that I plan to bring Kurt to the weekend meeting like today and I will go alone for the weekday meeting therefore I can optimize both the freedom to express everything as well as find some benefit in a potential friendship and familiarity.

As I went through the door to the air-conditioned lobby I walked directly to the creaky leather chairs in the back of the room away from the crowded reception area. The line to get a nametag seemed like a watering hole of chitchat and I was too afraid to plunge in to join the crowd in small talk. There seems to be a nice crowd of people between 12 and 15 of all shapes, colors and sizes. I was truly in awe. I am not the odd one, the freak in the room. People are dressed in all kinds of variations and it's refreshing to see tattoos, piercings, bold colors, and tight, stylish clothes. It was just so very unique and against the status quo.

It made me smile that my ripped men's jeans, striped long sleeved shirt and combat boots were not an eyesore in the room or the center of scrutiny. I adjusted my glasses as I get my nametag, write my name and follow the crowd to the auditorium like room. It is an open space with linoleum floors and a small snack bar. There is a circle of chairs where a blonde woman stands. She is tall, slender and attractive. Her hair was more of a dark honey on second glance. Her nametag said Holly Holliday and I presumed by her outgoing, welcoming personality that she was our moderator. A cute gay couple sat next to me holding hands, the blonde guy next to me whispered something in hushed tones to him then he turned to me. We smiled at each other and said hello before the meeting started it was nice to meet new people. On my other side was a gangly, skinny awkward African American girl (and coming from me that says a lot) named Candace with her parents next to her. She didn't speak to or acknowledge me but I am used to this treatment so it didn't irk me as much as the friendly boy's greeting next to me I just never receive nice first impressions. I don't necessarily want my parents here but it feels nostalgic. I flash back to better times when I was their world, their pride and joy and they my best friends. It brings back the family visits to Abuela's house, the dancing and laughing as una familia that I will never have again.

Holly begins the meeting introducing herself, explaining enthusiastically that this is a safe place, everyone respects everyone else while someone is speaking, participating is voluntarily but sharing in a healthy way is the avenue to personal growth and acceptance. She spouted some more rules but they should all be common sense and knowledge. We all go around to introduce ourselves briefly but there are no girls that I am immediately drawn to like Quinn but they seem nice. I feel like I see people who mostly know each other based on their mannerisms and chatter. Only one other girl seemed alone like me. The males were the majority of our group and some parents or siblings were introduced next to them. My fellow peers all gave their names, grades, school background information, why they are here and what they would like to gain from this process. Some people were here for very serious and troubling circumstances. One transguy is, for lack of a better word, transforming and dealing with his new body and identity. His narration truly affected me, another person living in shelters, one girl living on the streets perhaps I am truly better off then I really think I am in my own bubble of Lima and it clouds my judgment. Garrett's (the boy in transition) life and narration was the most compelling and emotional outpouring I have ever heard. He struggled in his identity, the world and society it brought tears to my eyes the amount of drive to continue and uplifting inspirational positive attitude even after all his experiences. On the other hand, then a group of people had issues with less gravitas like a bisexual black girl named Shai who couldn't choose between two lovers that tore up her track team it was like the twilight books with sports. It was so trivial but I do not like to judge other's pain or lives in hopes that people will learn to return the courtesy one-day.

This one cute girl named Angela seemed nice she is pretty and seems interesting upon first impression she has dark chocolate curled locks tan and emerald green eyes. Angela said she came out at her high school and was having trouble with her soccer teammates and her parents understanding. So she moved out of her house and lives with her more liberal aunt. It astounded me how all these people opened up shared vulnerable private details of their life a level I didn't think people would delve into the first day. Maybe it was Holly's funny quips about almost any harsh situation her sympathizing expression and words of comfort compassion and assurance allowed for such an outpouring. She really genuinely gave off the impression she was one of us meaning a friend to talk to rather then a certified adult therapist.

When it got to my turn at the circle I didn't know what to do or say but I felt I should try to open us as much as possible….

**"Hi my name is Santana Lopez I am from Lima and I attend McKinley high school where I will be a rising junior. I know you said that we didn't necessarily have to settle with any cultural or societal labels but I do identify as a lesbian and prefer female pronouns."**

"That is great Santana keep going. Can I ask how you came upon the decision to identify as a lesbian today and a little about your background like home and school life? This is purely voluntary sweetie we just want to get to know you and help in any way we can you will not be judged or ridiculed here."

"**Well I knew I was a lesbian ever since I was a little girl. I just knew that I wanted to save the girls from the boys and it never went away but grew stronger. I was the prince in the fairy tales and I knew I was gay ever since… You get the idea…I went years pretending to be something I was not like a typical heterosexual girl that dressed and acted the part. Freshmen year I couldn't stand it being in high school anymore, the guys leering looks, lingering come ons and pick up lines I felt so wrong and out of place. So I finally came out but it was both my choice and also happened to be not of my own volition. To my parents I told the truth but only to them subsequently the student body by chance found out it was revealed on a school gossip site. **

** I was forced to weather the storm as it spread like wildfire it didn't go very well especially for my relationship with my very catholic Puerto Rican family y mi abuela whom I have admired and cherished for years. I don't exist to her anymore to that branch of my family she says she doesn't have a granddaughter anymore that I am dead to her. I repulse her as an embarrassment to the family… **I paused gathering myself

** like I chose this life for myself rather than this being me. I really don't want to go into specifics about my parents. My school life is very difficult. I am not well regarded in the student body except for my teachers and my marks in the classroom. McKinley is very homophobic and conservative so you can imagine the treatment I get on a day-to-day basis.**

** I am the token freak it can range from verbal to physical harassment. It is hard to deal with... I am not really close to anyone in school which is why I am here. I would like to meet other people my age going through the same thing expand my horizons. My only respite and salvation is my academic pursuits, dreams of college and glee club, which is a show choir. I love singing it is a passion; I am addicted to music and am working on improving my performing. I used to sing just for my self, now I just have an audience. I think I have taken the floor for too long on my turn. Thank you all for listening and your kindness"**

"Wow thorough yet vague at the same time. Perhaps we can delve into specifics as more time passes and you become more comfortable in this family because that is what this can be for everyone of you support and love through this circle. You can also talk for longer then a short monologue you are not timed and if anyone so pleases we can go over our usual hour and a half meeting."

Holly then began to wrap up the meeting since I was last. I really didn't look up during my whole turn to speak I either glanced into Holly's welcoming blue eyes, the floor or fixing my glasses while wringing my hands. I only nervously peered around the room periodically during pauses to gauge some reactions. I didn't see a lot I rarely looked at anyone in the eyes directly but I did notice that Angela was staring almost boring into me when I gazed at her very briefly. I wonder what she found intriguing in me... As a meeting came to a close and Holly announced the proximate date and time everyone simultaneously began making their way over to the snack bar near the exit of the room some lingered discussing with each other several others brought Holly aside for one on one chats. In order to avoid that attention and chaos I slipped out by the lobby and made my way to the small café to get a coffee and a sandwich to just relax because there is no way I am rushing home.

I sat down at my table texted Kurt about my ideas asked him later to call me to talk about if he is interested. When I glanced upwards I saw Angela hovering next to my table. I smiled politely and said hi if she would care to join me I don't mind. She looked relieved and smiled and sat down.

"Thanks for this I wasn't sure if you wanted company I actually wanted to talk to you but you darted out of the room so fast I didn't see you leave!"

**"Well I am a little shy and everyone was so preoccupied and it was somewhat crowded, I guess because I really don't know anyone I felt a little uncomfortable. Sorry about that I didn't mean to evade you in any way I just slipped out."**

"I actually wanted to talk to you and get to know you further I find you interesting, intelligent and really nice. Want to be friends? I mean I get it if you don't but I figured since you mentioned it in your talk you wouldn't mind and I also noticed you came by yourself like me so we loners can hang out together next time then it will be a lot better."

**"Sure I would love to be your friend how can I say no to a nice girl like yourself? I am flattered you think that about me upon first impression. I mean that would defeat the point of me stating my intentions in my little diatribe if I said no. Haha...sorry the answer is yes. Here is my phone so we can exchange numbers to coordinate meetings, times and locations and so forth."**

"Oh yes lets exchange numbers. Do you mind talking for a little bit further? I see you finished your lunch but do you mind? I am curious to know about you and your life and I will gladly tell you anything you wish to know."

This time Angela got progressively more open, nicer and affectionate. Normally, I would think someone is pranking me when such a pretty and cute girl talks to me and brushes my arm occasionally. I know its preposterous this girl even had displayed non platonic signs to me as in romantic (cue timed gasp) but I would never be able to discern that anyway because its not like I have any experience with girls at all. She seemed very jovial and entertaining she was definitely a beauty different then Quinn in every way her opposite somewhat with caramel skin, long dark lashes emerald green eyes, dimples a welcoming smile and beautiful dark curly hair. Truthfully, I am a little astounded she is gay or bisexual I don't remember how she classified herself or if she did it at all.

** "Sure is there anything in particular you want to know? I am a complete nerd if you couldn't tell already, high school life has been my personal hell and I am glad I found the courage to come to this place to further accept myself and become more confident and open with people. I am sorry about your parents I can empathize although mine didn't kick me out they act like I don't exist I know that is not nearly the same but I just wanted to tell you anyway. Well... my background: I am Puerto Rican with some European decent German and French on my dad's side. I absolutely love jazz music, sci-fi TV shows and reading. How about you?"**

"Yeah my parents are difficult which is an understatement. I am still upset that they reacted this way towards me their youngest child. You would think they would be more accepting since my twin brothers are in college at Ohio State. I was the center of everything but they couldn't accept it and threw me out. I graduate the end of this year so I am looking forward to starting again. I am in no way musical but I dabble in art, messing around creating my own little documentaries and of course soccer. I would love to hear you sing someday I am sure your voice is beautiful…Wow interesting background I am actually Hungarian and a quarter black I love how we are telling our backgrounds like a college application hahahh."

**"Very true we are sounding like we are spouting our resumes. Maybe we can hang out some other time during the week. I work part time as a lifeguard in Lima other wise I am relatively free. That is definitely an intriguing yet aesthetically striking mix I bet you get so many compliments. You are very attractive part of me is surprised you are even talking to me… I don't have any friends who understand what I have been through. Some that wouldn't even hear what I had to say because I don't coincide in their religious texts. We are considered blasphemous and taboo. Unfortunately, I have quite a drive and am expected back at my house soon ugh parents."**

"Well my aunt actually lives somewhat near you then here in Columbus, where I actually attend high school. So we can definitely hang out during the week. I am flattered that you think that about me. I think you said I am attractive? By the way I think you are gorgeous as well. This was fun although relatively short for my taste. I will definitely text you and stay in touch it was a pleasure meeting you Santana. I am a hugger and gonna hug you now."

I smile at her gratefully and hug her. I think nothing of it except it its different to actually have physical contact with a girl. I don't get hugged often by anyone. I pull away and she agrees to walk me to my car as I drive away and wave. She gives me a luminescent smile back at me to say goodbye.

Can I actually have a real friend where we can talk about girls, society, parents, being out and rejection? This could really help me and lift my dampened spirit. Who knows maybe I can actually be happy and have a real girlfriend who is attracted to me because she likes girls she would talk to me and could actually love me? In the back of my mind, although I am positing these scenarios of involving Angela Johnson in my life I know that she or anyone else will not ensnare or capture my heart completely because Angela is not the one I desire. Maybe I am holding on to the impossible dream. My rational side hopes I can bypass this infatuation to focus on who is available, nice and in front of me but love does not abide and rules of sanity it is the antithesis.

I went home and continued my life as usual. I texted Angela a lot she was a pleasure to talk to. She was very nice and we got along well. I am really happy to have someone to really talk to although I haven't told her about Quinn. I reached Kurt and he agreed to attend a couple meetings during the weekend when he wasn't working for his dad or taking music lessons. He informed me that he intends to eclipse Rachel Berry next year and I wished him luck glee is going to be interesting fight of divas next year with Mercedes also improving by singing in church and touring with a gospel group. Of all the people in glee I enjoy Mercedes presence the most. I find her the most joyously radiant person. I hope to become closer with her next year. Now that I am working to break open my proverbial shell maybe that is possible. I didn't tell Angela or Kurt about the weekly meeting I will be attending. I want to reserve that one for me. For some reason I just want to have that type of solace and privacy. My parents were suspicious as to where I am driving twice a week. Since I told them I would not be home from work one day during the week and Saturday therefore I placated them with a ruse of some SAT practice grand scheme. They left me alone and will leave me alone now so I can go to Columbus in peace.

The job is relatively simple and I enjoy it a lot surprisingly. I actually relax, which I typically don't practice in my normal lifestyle. At my perch in the lifeguard's chair I get to feel the sun look out at the beatific sky and observe the joy of the patrons at the pool. I also get to do one of my utmost favorite activities which is to people watch from my perch under my black aviators. I can watch the older couples interact, young children bicker, and middle-aged housewives divorcees try to pick up men.

The only difficult part of the job is the attire and locker room situation. I am really shy and I am wearing a bikini all day. First off I am way to shy to just wear a bikini no I never wanted to dress that way at all. To adapt, I usually wear a bikini top throw on a large t-shirt and wear men's board shorts. The only problem with that is it is really hot in all that clothing outside in the Ohio heat and sun. Even though I try to be in the shade most of the time I boil because I don't go into the pool unless I have to save someone but that hasn't happened yet. The only thing I could do is basically wearing a bikini because it is the best option temperature and comfort wise and I won't have even more awkward tan lines I guess. I also enjoy watching my skin glow my pigmentation darkening to a more healthy color now that I am no longer stuck in layers of clothes for the cold winters of Ohio.

The only way I actually just wear my bikini is if I pretend and ignore anyone looking at me but when I see someone doing that particularly men the next day I show up covered again. It truly varies based on how the heat affects me. Communal showers for a woman's locker room where everyone gets naked to change and shower although would seem tempting to a lesbian is not really true. It is the complete opposite. My anxiety goes through the roof and I run in and out of there without looking at anyone as soon as possible. I even shower at home so I can avoid another locker room incident. It brings back both the terror and frustration I experienced that day like a nightmare the only lightness was encountering Quinn for the first time. Seeing her beauty up close I fell under her spell. It reminds me of her who I haven't seen in months and I terribly miss her. Everyday just to gaze upon her from a far, her love of life, her smile and those eyes I haven't felt that type of joy and elation without her.

Since I can't really wear my glasses I actually use contacts instead of my typical eyewear in case I actually have an emergency. It is not really feasible to run after someone while dealing with the inconsistency of glasses, the sun's glare and a wet surface an injury seemed inevitable. I am used to hiding behind my glasses they are like a comfort, a safety net, and now without them I feel out of place. I rationalize it helps on the job and would prevent further self harm and disaster.

I actually have a date set to meet with Angela. She indicated she wished to see me during the week after I got settled in my new job and routine. I am have been in touch on and off with her and am meeting her for coffee tomorrow (Thursday) subsequently will later attend the meeting Saturday where Kurt agreed to join me.

I walked into the Lima Bean feeling the cold air conditioning hit my whole body. I just came from the pool. I showered and changed at home and was wearing a simple v neck white t-shirt and boy jean shorts that were tattered. I was filled with a sense of myself now that I am in this atmosphere with my glasses, which I missed. Angela is on her way to meet me and I planned to get my favorite caramel macchiato and a brownie while I waited for her. Angela said she would be here in 5-10 minutes. So I just decided to hang out and enjoy the scenery. It felt good to be out of the sun as I sat at my favorite table. I could see the entrance and just watch people move in and out their lives.

My heart and world stopped abruptly. I saw a vision of sun kissed golden hair wavy and perfect. This girl walking in...this is just cruel. This girl reminds me of Quinn her posture, her grace. I have no idea why but my heartbeats in recognition. My whole being twisted, my body tensed and my breath sucked out of me. I dropped my phone completely out of my hand. This is not my imagination playing tricks on me no this is something worse Quinn Fabray is at the Lima Bean. I haven't seen this vision for 2 months and I have been trying to move on from my lovesick stupor. Instead I am propelled into a silent film starring myself and this actress the likes of which rivals Aubrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly, her effortlessness, the light cascading around her, the way she takes attention and draws the likes of anyone in. She turns around towards my direction presumably to scope out an open table after she orders her coffee and picks it up from the barista. She charms everyone in her wake I can see her beaming smile that she graces the pimply teenaged boy who made her drink and he seems as if he might pass out or dedicate his life's work to this beautiful stranger. My vision is a gray tunnel the only color is Quinn Fabray she is still as beautiful if not more then in my dreams. I start to panic now because I realize the only open table is right near mine directly behind me. I try not to stare as she floats towards me she doesn't walk but travels the floor as if a prima ballerina crosses a stage with fluidity and grace. She walks over to my direction and me and I can't function I can't move and I can't even think all language skills have seemed to be lost in the wind. My mouth seemed as if it was wrought iron shut.

_"Can I ask you if this is table taken may I sit there?"_

** "No one is sitting there at the moment the table is yours Quinn"**

I surprised myself when I stutter the words out of my mouth as if I have no control… Oh crap! I said her name and I don't know her what if she thinks I am a freak... Maybe she will slushy me for addressing her directly!? oh god... Not the locker room flashbacks again... no wait she was nice to me. Please, God let her be the same not the head cheerleader Queen of the school at this moment with a thug jock boyfriend!

_ "Thank you. Wait you go to my school ...don't you? I recognize you. I am Quinn Fabray what is your name?"_

I breathe in relief for not being verbally harassed like usual or treated like the nothing. She actually recognizes me! Well sure every jock popular person knows me as a target...So she doesn't remember the locker room or her locker near mine where she smiled at me and made my day…

** "Yes we do attend the same school in fact we are in the same grade… My name is Sssanntana Lopez"**

I can't believed I almost blanked and stuttered at something as simple as remembering my name its my name for god sakes I know that.

_"Oh well I don't want to keep you. It seems your friend is here… nice to meet you, Santana Lopez."_

That moment Angela just walked in and sat down across from me with her coffee looking on curiously at the situation. She buts in…

"Oh no don't worry you are not ruining our coffee date. I am Angela by the way, I don't know any of Santana's friends so I wanted to say hi."

_"umm I don't want to interrupt your plans...I'm Quinn… Santana and I just met we go to the same school though nice to meet you Angela"_

"oh I am sorry I thought you knew each other since you were just speaking that's awkward.. I just assumed since I have known Santana for a while silly me."

** "Thanks, Quinn sorry for the confusion have a great summer."**

"Hey see ya around.. maybe, you'll see us at the pool where Santana works. Nice meeting you."

I am both impressed and mortified by Angela directly addressing Quinn. (As in the Quinn Fabray, the elite royalty that can make or break a person!) I am so embarrassed she treated her like we we are equals and not my forbidden hearts desire. I sit down to try and gather myself but then I quickly whip back towards Quinn's direction. She reaches down to pick up my phone for me and it took all my will power not to gape at her exposed cleavage from her blue v-neck and then bore into her toned thighs long legs from her short white shorts. I glanced then our eyes met and time stopped... Her hazel eyes captured mine they were just as I remembered that day and dreamed countless times before. The gold green mixture that flecks and shines in the light. She placed my phone on my table I murmured thanks like I did that day. I hoped Angela didn't notice anything suspicious or furthermore Quinn didn't see through me. I still had a faint blush on my cheeks it took my will power not to turn around and admire her. She is so beautiful her body is so tempting. I am at her mercy in every way.

**"Oh my god... Angela you do not understand who that is! Holy shit, excuse me but these extraordinary circumstances it necessitates crass language."**

"Wait who was that? Oh my god, she is from your school? You told us in the meetings what they do to you... Do I need to beat that girl's ass for you right now? Is she one of them?"

**"Noo but hold on don't do that! I will be killed, dead! Let me explain that is Quinn Fabray, the head cheerleader and most popular and beautiful girl in school. She runs that school and is in charge of the other cheerleaders who treated me terribly. She never did anything to me. She is so nice but I can not talk to her because if I upset her in anyway. I am going to have to leave my school."**

"I feel really stupid. I am not gonna hurt her but I would for you. Maybe we can talk further about this when we are not sitting in front of her in earshot. Thank god she is distracted by her friend who just sat down."

**"Thanks Ange sure so let's talk about something else and go somewhere else..."**

After that encounter we left the coffee shop in a hurry and went to our movie like we planned. I always laughed and had a great time with Angela. Now she knows Quinn so if I choose to tell her about my feelings she will understand having met and seen her. I went on with meetings like usual and my job. The routine was numbing and comforting. Angela and I have been hanging out regularly it's almost been a month now and almost Harvard camp time the second week in July.

It was one of those ridiculously hot days and I didn't have the usual craving for lots of clothing to cover up like usual. I wore my stringy black bikini. I had kept up my martial arts and running on and off so my body is still in shape or else I wouldn't be able to handle wearing a bikini in public. In reality the pool was not that popular only older senior citizens, young kids and parents mainly showed up. Not many teenagers so I oddly didn't feel as insecure and covered up as I did before. Maybe Holly and the group is really rubbing off on me. I jumped out of my chair to pick up the hazardous pool toys the kids left around and steer the children away from a very wet spot where the were in proximity to slip and fall in the deep end.

I glanced upwards as someone called my name. It was Angela in a bikini she didn't tell me she was coming at all. Usually she calls me and we arrange events together. As she walked toward me she looked like a toned model with caramel skin dark locks and a small green bikini that complimented her figure and eye color. She came up to me and hugged me. I was speechless and left a little warm and tingly since we were embracing half naked. Angela is a scantily clad athletic girl. WHAT? I suppose one can elicit a rational response on behalf or raging hormones, pheromones or natural growth cycle of young adults.

Her curves were soft and felt nice against mine for that brief second. I ushered her out of the danger zone I was guarding from the screaming kids. I told her where the lockers were I offered to watch them but she coyly said that I wouldn't be able to watch and pay attention to her in her new bathing suit. At this point in our friendship I am unsure what is friendly teasing and what is an actual flirt geared towards more romantic or sexual expectations. She is practically a model with a gorgeous body. She is funny, she likes me so why can't I feel the same feelings that I experience with Quinn? Is it Murphy's Law or something? It seems my heart wants what it wants even though my body appreciates Angela as well.

As fate would have it Quinn Fabray walks outside to the pool. She has to pass me to get to the lounge chairs to the shallow end and I am practically hyperventilating. I am not tingling anymore mildly from Angela. No, my senses and body are on fire! Heat washes over me starting at the pit of my stomach and radiating all over. Ethnic people don't blush but I can say with certainty that I am now. I have never in my life felt these overwhelming sensations of pure lust and desire take over me before. I am pretty sure I am staring at her boring into to her. To see every bit of her I can. She is pure perfection in that stringy royal blue bikini. Cheerleading has really toned her body to utmost drool worthy perfection: her muscular arms, tantalizing abs that have me smitten. Her chest is gorgeously displayed. My mouth waters… I have never seen anything near as revealing in school on her and maybe that is a good thing because if her cleavage were shown on a daily basis riots, fights and disasters would occur. Her ivory skin glowed in the sun and I could see her hipbones, which were pronounced. I feel like I could fall over and faint at this very moment. Her long, muscular, shapely yet feminine legs seemed to go on for miles. I have never seen anything in my short life as great as this vision. Hopefully, I can get it together because she is walking this was and just staring at her body hungrily.

_ "Hi, Santana"_

(awkward pause) **"uhhh... Hi Quinn."**

I stuttered and my voice left me and came out an octave lower then usual. Behind her came Quinn's usual posse Noah, Finn, a blonde boy I don't know, her cheerleader friends and some football players. Sensing a need for my safety I left Quinn and went back to my lifeguard chair. Then Angela strolled out of the locker room noticing Quinn and her posse she wisely doesn't react but she gave them a dirty look. UH OH

She came over towards me and put her hand on my shoulder silently understanding my situation. Her concern soothed my anxiety as I glanced at the crowd of my oppressors. Angela began rubbing up and down my arms soothingly as I leaned against my chair the sun beat down on me and I never felt so trapped before.

"Hey lesbians take your freaky shit away from here unless you want to put on a show"

"yeah lesbos get out of here no one wants to see that shit."

"What did you just say?! I know you just didn't call us that in a public place around children. You ignorant assholes stay out of something that is not your business you know nothing."

"You stupid bitch"

I can handle them harassing me but a complete stranger that is only in proximity of me is not acceptable. I don't even know if I am allowed to throw someone out of the pool but the iron aggressive Latin temper side of me that I channel in my martial arts came out. Maybe if I actually show this side of me stand up for myself they will stop this spectacle. Maybe this is the time to teach them a lesson. I am more then capable of laying all of them on their ass.

**"Shut up now! Before I throw you out of this pool, ban you from it and call my superiors and possibly the police."**

I whisper to Angela: **"Ange let me handle this thank you for coming to my defense though"**

Adam (from the hockey team) and Finn the two assholes get out of the pool and make their way over to me. Angela is behind me tense and ready to intervene. She is a soccer player and not afraid to do something. They approach and tower over me. Finn lunges suddenly at me but slips in the water I was supposed to clean up. He was just enough off balance so I could catch him on the chin with a punch. He grabs for me but I react and spin out of his grasp kneeing him where it counts. He howls in pain. His buddy grabs me from behind and I shrug him off with an elbow to the gut and a wrist lock as I stretch his arm to the point of almost breaking it back. They are on the floor kneeing in pain and the pool is silent.

In the scuffle I didn't notice Angela not by my side. Finn muttered "drown dyke" so I turned around fast to see Angela's splash as she contorted painfully in the air she must have been pushed while in the fray. I get the guy lifeguard who is taking over my shift Lance and point and yell at him to get them out of here. I sprint to the edge and dive in the deep end to get Angela. She fell in the deepest end of the pool by the diving board. It is extremely deep not like the Olympic sized part, which is almost more bearable, this side feels like and endless ocean of depth. I am treading the water pumping my limbs with all my might. This is my fault I have to reach her! I have to get her! Please let me be in time! Hold on Angela... Hold on, please.

The farther down I swam a sense of panic filled me as I felt the water hit my skin resisting my body didn't want to go deeper but I pushed. I was Atlas bearing the weight of the world. I opened my eyes and see her far down almost to the bottom this is going to be difficult. I swim as hard and fast as I can to her. She looks like a blob but I can see her figure. I am losing oxygen quickly my lungs scream in agony but I reach her. As I get a hold of her relief shoots through me temporarily but I know the hard part is yet to come. I have to tow her upwards. I follow my lifeguard training that I hoped I would never have to use and tow her to the surface as best as I can. I didn't have time to grab my flotation device so it's quite a feat. My lungs are screaming I don't know if I can take this anymore. I am afraid I am about to drown with her. I glance down at her and pray she is alright. I am so scared but it helps to make me faster.

I tow her to the surface finally. I take an agonizing choking breath and take her to the edge of the pool. She tries to breathe but isn't. She must have hit her head somehow or is passed out from a lack of oxygen. Gasping, I rush to the side and drag both her out and myself. Lance is hovering over me and people are starting to gather. I tell him to clear them out and give me room to administer CPR and mouth to mouth. Outside I am calm and authoritative but inside I am freaking out that I might loose my only true friend. It is all because of me and if she wasn't with me this wouldn't have happened to her.

I administer CPR and it is completely different then on a practice dummy to have someone's life in your hands. She is not breathing so I open her mouth plug her nose with my hands and blow air into her lungs three times before she starts responding the fourth time. Thank God! Angela coughs and struggles for breath and I fill her lungs again either she is shocked or doesn't know what she is doing but she kisses me tongue included. I pull away and she opens her eyes coughs some more and comes back to life I breathe a sigh of relief.

**"Ange you scared me so much I am so sorry this happened to you. But I am so happy you are alright I was so scared."**

I sit her down and make her rest and breathe sitting up. I return to deal with the mess that occurred. I looked up to realize I am locking eyes with Quinn Fabray in the pool who swam away from her laughing friends splashing each other to come towards me. We make long eye contact I have no idea what look she is giving me but I sense some sympathy and surprise from her revealing greenish gold orbs. She opened her mouth to say something but her friends called her over again she gave me an apologetic look and swam back on their side of the pool. The guys who also slushie me gave me a look of anger and challenge but Quinn must have said something because they went back to their game of chicken with the girls flirting on top of the guys shoulders splashing around. I go to Lance and he seems flustered but all right.

** "Did you kick those guys out of here? They technically started the fight and I reacted in self-defense as well as have caused a harsh environment and disturbance in a public setting. I don't want them to press charges but I have legal precedence since they also spouted discriminating slurs."**

"Don't worry, I scared them and told them to never come back. If they know what is good for them or we will press charges my dad is a lawyer. I don't think they will take it to that extreme."

**"You take over I am a little shaken and I am going to talk to my friend and see if she is okay. That group of teenagers in the back by the shallow end, watch them we don't want any more trouble today."**

"You got it take care of the girl. I will make sure those guys don't do anything stupid."

Lance is a rather intimidating figure 6'4'' swimmer and diver at another school near ours. I think he can handle himself if Noah or the other guys decide to finish what the other imbeciles started.

I walk over to Angela who moved to a lounge chair. I sat at the end and she immediately embraced me distraught over what happened. Her voice was hoarse after swallowing water and coughing on and off for a while.

"San thank you so much! You saved me and I was so scared and swallowed so much water I guess... I panicked and you came like I hoped and saved me. I can't thank you enough for that."

She sniffles and I just break. This girl almost was on the brink of death due to my issues. I am indebted to her. She came to my defense and is a real friend. From this day on I promise to be there for her and help her no matter what. She was in danger because of me. The guilt and shame I feel is overwhelming. I should have known what would happen and prevented it. This is all my fault and worst of all Quinn and her friends were here to witness it and come back for more.

**" I was so scared for you. I can't believe this happened. I feel so bad you come to Lima and my job to surprise me and this is what happens. I practiced martial arts for years it finally came in handy and I would do it over again to protect you."**

"Its not your fault. You were my knight and shining armor! I am okay now a little pissed off at those jerks but you took care of them. I had no idea you could do that Santana. You don't have to be picked on again my god you were so strong. I am so thankful"

She leans over and kisses me on the cheek and hesitates after staring at lips as if she wants more but she blushes and looks away realizing we are in public. I hug her and tell her I am happy that my only friend is all right and tell her to relax after everything. She holds my hand briefly and I bring her bag back from her locker. I sit down on the lawn chair next to hers and turn to look out towards the pool. There I met the eyes of Quinn Fabray once again. I blush in her presence and I wonder how much she has seen of our exchange. She bores into to my eyes once again piercing my very soul. We stare at each other until I realize Angela came out of the locker room ready to go. I wave Quinn goodbye subtly and head to the locker room where I run into one of the cheerios. I really don't have the time or patience for her anymore so I give her a dirty look saying back off and I think my display earlier has dissuaded any rash action without any back up.

I drove Angie home. She was still shaken up so I promised to meet her for a meeting this weekend. She gave me a look and had that awkward pause again that I didn't know or want to read into. I hugged her goodbye and drove home to think about what occurred. I feel so drained frustrated and scared all in one. I go home and decide to pour into my journal and poetry. The thought that petrifies me are the consequences I will face in school. How I really angered people. I might be in more danger then I can contemplate right now. It reminds me of stories of gay kids being victims of violence in small towns across the country. The recent news disturbs me. I have to be careful so I don't end up a headline like those poor souls.

Our meeting this weekend was interesting Angela regaled our story with gusto while I remained quiet and reserved. We set up another date to hang out except this seemed more formal a movie and dinner. I really don't want to reject Angela after what happened but I am not ready for anyone to be with me as much as I crave it. I need to work on myself.

I have a lot of turmoil to work through: my school peers, parental pressures, unattainable crush and my hero and half my family disowning me. Plus I am going to Harvard in 7 days. Holly was very nice and pulled me aside to suggest I come in to her real office where she sees patients to be a client that because I am reserved it might be easier to open up with my deeper issues. I agreed to meet her at her office once a week during the school year to work on it. I really like Holly I trust her and she has been such help so I am open to it. After the dinner and movie I felt the awkward tension and told her about Harvard how I would be gone for 3 weeks. She was both excited and disappointed about it. I told her I need to pack and get ready for it so we said goodbye. I was able to have the week to myself to think about all the changes in my life.

I am grateful to Angela she has helped me make an important step in my life. I am more content and open to human contact now. A brush here and there used to terrify and alienate me. Now I enjoy the hugs and closeness. It offers a comfort my body or heart craves. Yes it was uncomfortable at first but I could now be more affectionate instead of steadfast, tense and awkward. I had more ease around certain people not everyone was a threat now.

I decided to unwind and go to my favorite bookstore and camp out for the day. I want to think about everything. I even brought my iPod and prized notebook in case inspiration hit. I told the pool that Monday was my last day even though I fly to Boston this weekend and have orientation Sunday. I really needed to evaluate and process what happened last week. I just needed a break.

I drove over to my bookstore named "A Novel Idea". I chuckled every time I thought about it. It reminds me of every little fond memory I have in that place. The wonders and adventures I found in the back of the store lounging on the bean bag chairs and pillows. I said hi to the shop owner Gloria an older saint of a woman who over the years has been a friend to me. In my loneliest depths this has been my place to escape. Gloria would let me sit in the back past hours and give me books to read simple conversations when I needed it. After the chaos of coming out I couldn't be at home more then I had to so I would stay here in the cozy place I call my sanctuary. I became well read due to Gloria's extensive collection. She even had some first editions in the back that she hasn't sold yet. Despite the bookstore being small, its eclectic choices due to Gloria's travels had such unique variation unlike any chain bookstore.

The bookstore had been here for years and when one day Gloria finally asked me what happened at home? What was wrong? After leaving me to work out my problems on my own I broke down later in her arms and confessed to her I was gay. She was a worldly maternal figure maybe it was her Native American heritage that allowed her to understand the persecution I will be under. The suffering in common but she soothed me and didn't react negatively at all. I have been coming to this store and Gloria on and off throughout the years. I am in this store at least twice a week since I was 8. Gloria knows a lot about me I told her about my plans dreams of the future everything that mattered. She was my second grandmother since my father's side, his mother died in a car crash while he was in college. So I only had my abuela until she came in my life. Gloria Osceola is family. I can honestly say that I am still on this earth in large portion due to her and the example of her silent strength in the face of adversity and racism. I could have been and contemplated being one of those statistics to rid myself of this aching hole in my heart and soul that being spurned caused. Knowing you are that different and not loved and accepted at such a young age logically has profound negative psychosocial effects. Gloria comforted me and prevented me from being a tragedy that would run in the national news for a week and be forgotten and ignored for the rest of time. I cannot say for sure I would have gone through with it but it was a real possibility and the fact I can't even verbosely in clarity describe what I am skirting around or insinuating denotes the seriousness of the possible tragic outcome.

As I reminisce about this with an old unique copy of Alice in Wonderland and Brave New World I distantly hear the bell of a new customer enter my haven. Usually this time of year is slow when everyone leaves Lima for vacations but I guess some people don't leave. I think nothing when I hear the footsteps roam by the shelves in front of me picking books. Gloria comes out from the back gives me a smile and goes to greet the customer. I realize they had a long conversation after getting lost in my books. Then I hear a rustling and Gloria's deeper voice reverberates through the shelves and one as clear as a bell comes closer. She brings the girl it turns out to be over to sit in my area. I don't look up to the new stranger assuming she is passing by but this stranger says my name.

_"Santana?"_

**"Uggghhh Quinn what are you doing here I mean wow… I mean, I would never expect to see you here! Sorry I am talking too much. I should just shut up now so you can go back to whatever you are doing here or back to your friends."**

To say I am awkward and rambling was an understatement. Quinn is right in front of me addressing me as if I am not a leper but a person. I look up into her and glance into her soulful eyes. I have no idea what the emotion behind them mean. She stands in front of me in a simple sundress a scoop neck tight bodice and a flare skirt at the bottom the floral pattern was hypnotizing and I had to tear my eyes away from her and look down to hide my blush. There was a different response I couldn't even speculate occur in my wildest dreams.

_ "If you don't mind, I came here to add to my collection. I love unique books and collect first editions. Gloria and I had a great conversation and she said only her favorite customers get to come back here and hang out and if you don't mind I will join you"_

I had no idea how to respond to this but the truth seemed like the best option I am truly thrown for a loop.

**"I don't mind at all. I am surprised you actually are talking to me let alone sitting near me in this land of pillows and bean bag chairs."**

_"Why wouldn't I? Its not like we are in school. I am so sorry about what happened at the pool... you didn't deserve that and I really hope you and your girlf-friend are okay... Santana, I was truly amazed. I had no idea you could do that! They way you defended yourself and stopped those boys! Why are you bullied if you can do that? If you don't mind me asking?"_

**"Oh well thanks I guess... Angela and I are fine she isn't my girlfriend. She is a friend I met this summer. I think she is still shaken up I haven't seen her in a while. Well I have taken martial arts for years and violently starting fights with majority of the student body isn't a way to blend in. No matter what I do I would be that person I am gay, a nerd, dress differently a minority essentially and in glee club so it would happen anyway."**

I shrug knowing its the truth but Quinn stares at me openly as I raise my head to speak to her the whole time I have been playing with my hands as a nervous habit and rearranging my messenger bag and books as a distraction. The look of sadness on her face is endearing but I really don't want her pity and I am going to tell her that consequences be damned.

_"Oh I never thought about it that way... it must be difficult to know that how they react and be able to have those skills... It doesn't matter because those people are ignorant. So she is not your girlfriend then huh my mistake. Wow, I didn't know you dabbled in music that is very impressive you can woo whomever then."_

Quinn smirks at her last comment but the irony is hilarious that she has absolutely no idea.

**"Quinn, I appreciate your concern but I don't want your pity. You are being very nice to me now and I feel so very grateful to be treated that way by you when the opposite is the norm. For sure you know the consequences for both of us so if you want to save yourself I completely understand. Spare this act of contrition because I am honestly still in shock you are regarding me this way. I think you are a wonderful polite individual but I wouldn't want you to suffer because of me either out of some misguided notion of guilt or a genuine interest no matter the motivation. I couldn't bear if I was responsible for another girl hurt and in jeopardy because of my association. I just it can't be my fault again..."**

I can't help but get emotional in the last part of my speech as much as I was trying to hold it in after all this time be okay for Angela for my piece of mind. I let my emotions take over in her presence for some reason she both frightens, excites and soothes me to feel this open and honest. She is sincere and such a caring gentle soul. I almost feel wrong for snapping at her and pointing out the truth. But then I let go and voice my inner fears as tears stream down my eyes. I grab my glasses in my lap and fiddle nervously. She then lays her hand on top of mine to both stop my movements and comfort me while distraught while she continues.

_"Sssantana... I know what I am doing and risking right now. It's just you and me two people who are in a bookstore. This is not Cheerios, the pool or the football field. We are safe to be ourselves here. If you let me this can be our place to throw that all away... I just would like to talk and hang out with you now because we keep running into each other by chance. I will be fine and thank you for caring about me but you know it is not your fault you saved her and Angela is okay. No one is harmed except for those assholes."_

She seemed to get a little choked up with me and placed her hand to lace her fingers with mine. In the midst of my own head and problems I didn't really notice until warmth crept up my hand with the added pressure my breath hitched in surprise she must think I was crying because she squeezes my hand interlocking our fingers tighter in the attempt to soothe. This would be heaven to hold her forever like this like nothing is wrong in the world.

**"I am sorry I said those things. I would like nothing more then to hang out with you and enjoy our time here. Maybe get to know the mysterious new girl from Savannah. This is my most favorite and special place to me. It holds a lot of meaning and I don't mind sharing it with you. On a happier note... Do you need help finding any books or something? I don't mind helping you I practically live here you can ask Gloria."**

As I dried my tears and was assured the utmost feeling of hope light and life fulfilled my being like never before. Her words astounded me and all of a sudden my mood changed and lifted to new heights. I wanted nothing more then to know her and in some small way make her happy.

_"Well well I see word travels fast around here so you know about me? That is really sweet of you. I am actually looking for another Alice in wonderland copy. I collect the books with the unique older covers. I am also interested in some murder mystery series I have no idea where to start there but I absolutely adore the classics. This place is so nice and quaint I love it makes sense to want to just be here its perfect."_

Can she be anymore cute and perfect to say I was enchanted was an understatement. I sort of panicked if she asked what I knew about her that I would spill my whole story or worse what I really feel. I am in cloud 9 it almost feels like a date to me how nervous shaky and the questions and compliments I cant help but slip.

**"I agree I love this place too. I actually picked the Alice in Wonderland book by chance to reminisce but you can buy it. I would recommend some Sherlock Holmes if you love classics. **

_"Thanks Santana you didn't have to do that. So Sherlock huh I guess it is true you are nerdy hahah cute. I am partial to a little sci-fi myself. I love reading almost anything but yet at the same time I am particular I don't know what I am saying..."_

There were no words QUINN FABRAY SAID I WAS CUTE. I could die happy now not really but can I faint now or later? I hand her the book and our hands touch my skin sets aflame at the faint brush that tickled my skin I can feel her touch still there I can hardly function with both the power of her dreamy hypnotic eyes that reach through to my soul and her soft touches that shoot up my body like electricity.

**"No I get it I am similar in that way. Do you really want to hang out with me? I am a little surprised still to tell you the truth. I was just going to lounge and read today care to join me?"**

Where do I get the confidence to even talk to this girl? Who has possessed me I should be a quivering stuttering mess well I am definitely that on the inside and she is controlling the conversation.

_"I think I will hang out for an hour but I have to leave my parents just texted me that they want me home for something. Probably some family is over and they want to impress and schmooze them. It wouldn't look good to not have your younger daughter there let alone have no idea where she is."_

The look that played across her face told me I was initially right about her family. They are not the greatest people in the world judging by the hurt and frustration crossing those perfect features. Even her pout is attractive the scowl on her face can she do no wrong. All this tells me is I will never be able to forget or get over Quinn Fabray especially after this moment.

**"Oh okay then no problem."**

We then just sit and relax and read our separate books I put the book I had into her pile she already picked out. She went and got Sherlock books and the smile on her face when she liked them knocked me into oblivion. Soon after too soon she had to leave and rushed out waving at me as she walked out. The whole time I would glance up at her every other minute or so to see if she was really there next to me and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her if I tried. I glanced at her stoic profile tracing the planes of her face with my eyes all the way down to her fingernails I took her all in and the close up view revealed the truth of her beauty. There is no one in this world that could compare with her grace, delicate hands, tempting neck goddess presence. I can't believe I am ranting on and on about her its like I have an affliction Quinn Fabray etched in me.

She walked out of the store and left her Alice and Wonderland copy by mistake. I grabbed it from the pillows stroked the cover and decided to buy it and give it to her. Maybe if I see her in town I can give it to her of course covertly so I won't get in trouble with her crowd or I could keep it as a memento for one if not the best moment of my short life thus far.

Monday I went back for my last day at the pool before Harvard and had the book on hand with me. I didn't feel right keeping it for myself especially if it would bring a smile to Quinn's face and all I want to do is make her happy in any small way I can since I can never be that person for her. I sat my last boring day outside the pool my tan became really dark and very golden. I am sort of happy I am quitting or taking off for a few weeks I have no idea whether or not my job is secure.

Quinn shows up with her friends and I smile at her under my sunglasses as she smiles directly at me. A sense of joy travels to my core I feel special and privileged under her gaze. It takes all my power not to stare at her body openly. I have never been so attracted to someone in her life the sheer waves of lust that takes me makes me from the throbbing in my core I am definitely aroused to say the least.

As I watch the party frolic and play I see the mysterious blonde boy get more and more enamored with Quinn. The shocking part is she is indulging his charms unlike anyone she has ever dated. The utter amount of devastation and jealously coursing through my veins is overwhelming that I can't handle it and jump down and walk to my bag. She kisses him on the cheek giggling in his arms and I can't take it. I call for a break and ask Lance to fill in for me while he was idly staying here all day to pick up chicks he might as well take over and work. I decide to leave this place and leave the torment of Quinn Fabray.

I grab my stuff from my locker change as fast as possible and practically run out. Then I see the book that I wrapped up for her. I can't bear to hold it and not give it to her despite her new romance maybe she will think of me and like it. That thought alone propelled me to give her this one gift token of appreciation for the brief kindness she has shown me. I go to her lawn chair and drop the book in her open tote bag I know it is hers because I see her bring it every time she goes to the pool.

Harvard was all that I expected breath taking grounds and architecture, elitism pomp and circumstance, classes, nerds, academics and competition. I just went through and experienced it all. I did well soaked up every free second like a sponge and moved through the routine it seemed time flew. I enjoyed being independent in Cambridge; Boston the greenery the air that is so uniquely Harvard was addicting and felt right. I enjoyed no one batting an eye when I told them, the group I was close to while taking classes with that I was gay. When we went out one night and someone suggested I dance with a guy who was leering at me I told the truth and to my astonishment was treated how I dreamt of as it being a nonentity. This experience just made me long for college and moving out of Lima that much more.

In my spare time before I go to sleep I suddenly have the desire to write. Maybe it is the Harvard air the inspiring time in my life really doesn't know but the subject of my longing was my muse once again.

"You are the blood flowing through my fingers, All through the soil and up in those trees.

You are electricity and you are light, You are sound itself and you are flight.

You are the earth on which I travel. You are the earth under my feet, That I may travel with you.

You are the quiet in which I dream, In, which I sleep, in which I wander.

You are what takes me asunder

that which envelops all of me"

**PART 2 chapter 4 Quinn POV present:**

The pain I felt living every day without her doesn't ever lesson. The world seems duller so stupid without her in it. How did everyone in school just forget? Why doesn't anyone else see or care. I know I am the only one but I am hurting without her and there is no one else who understands. The glee club did their typical response: a big dramatic songfest once and visited off and on for a month but eventually they gave up or went on with their lives. They stop mentioning Santana at meetings... how this would be her part... or how she would sing this song because her voice would catapult it to spectacular. It began to anger me and so I made myself scarce. It hurt too much to be in Glee all the sympathetic looks, the way they go on like singing is the best thing no the only thing of importance in the world. All I can think of is Santana needs to wake up. I could care less if I ever get a solo, are in cheerios, get a trophy, get anywhere in this show choir track to greatness.

I shut out all my contacts in school. I am no longer the social butterfly that flew into this school on a pedestal but a mere shadow of my former self. The misery, this girl that I am now, this me is completely unrecognizable to that bubbly oblivious girl in the past. Every waking moment there is a hole, so heavy it feels like it will never leave me. I deserve it though but most of me begs Santana to come save me like she did before make it better make me whole again. I hope she really knows how the imprint of her soul and our time together were everlasting to me.

Being a shell or being trapped wallowing through life waiting hoping for something anything should be considered a form of torture. My feelings are a mixture of numb and completely shut off to where I feel like I never had them to so extreme I can't bear them on my own. The tears fall like a continuous flow of water from a river; a river of unspeakable sadness. Whoever said sadness is just you not recognizing the good things in life is an idiot and I feel the need to hunt them down and use Russell's rifle. I know I have lost weight and not in a good way. I lost the color in my skin I look like a miserable angry ghost and it somehow morosely comforts me that my dark ugly feelings manifested to outside of me. It gives me wide berth in the hallways yet that was never a problem.

Gloom and misery is my comforting blanket the weariness adhering to my being. The storm of emotions I once held always come rushing to a catastrophic degree when I go to visit her every day after school and during the weekends except for church. I do homework in the hospital, know every nurse's name and what is going on in their personal lives. I am a regular despite the hours I cry and beg her, god anyone to save her I still feel small comfort and relief in her presence. I know the hospital smell violent and pungent masks hers but its still there. I stroke her hair hold her and her hands kiss them and talk to her about everything and anything. I grow hoarse and look out the window as the door creaks open a Sally the afternoon nurse checks on her. I detach myself and sit at the chair by her bed my head in my hands in silent prayer. I have never been so religious and so very motivated to go to church since my world ended the foundation collapsing under me.

Sally leaves and the look of pity and concern on her face sends a pang of emotion shooting down my spine. Goodness the things the nurses must say when discussing Santana and how that blonde girl, Quinn is there around the water cooler. Santana is not water cooler talk for a casual work setting it bothers me. I could care less about the whole rest of the world, the state of the union, politics, economics and glee my salvation is laying down in this hospital bed. Her lungs are being inflated with a tube that I love and hate. I love it because it is keeping my heart alive but I can't see her lips be able to kiss them freely anymore. I sit by her side as the time clicks by the clock ticking like a cruel reminder.

I bring out the book in my bag and cry over the edged cover. I trace the antique cover and reminisce about our first meeting in what would be our place. How brave scared and vulnerable she was. She was so hypnotic I didn't know at the time why I was so drawn to her. I had to comfort her I grabbed her hand without thinking interlocking our fingers as if we were meant to be and made for each other. I did the same like in our meeting that bookstore with my free hand. Holding her hand carefully to avoid the IV and tubing almost to bring me back to that moment. I can almost feel the life within her to put me back to that time when she could smile at me. I start to read Alice and Wonderland to her the token that she gave me. Of course I didn't realize the significance of this gift or the gift of Santana until… My heart pounds in agony for her I long for her to be whole again. I hope she feels comfortable not alone and afraid I try to reassure her everyday by reading, talking to her, holding her in bed. It seems like the waterworks will never end and I am such a mess because I am here and she is gone. I would trade my place I want to take her place take away the pain and let her be all that she deserves.

Suddenly the door flies open violently and rushed a blur throws her self inside the room. The dark curls are the first cue along with the Boston shirt. The emerald eyes of fury bore down on me but the lessen in the presence of Santana looking at her. Her face transforms to utter heartbreak similar to what I wear everyday.

"Santannaa no baby noo"

"What are you doing here? You shouldn't be near her haven't you hurt her enough look at her!"

_"Angela, Calm down"_

"Why didn't anyone call me? Why didn't you call me? I had to find out when I called her house and Dr. Lopez called me he was so detached and my heart stopped. I had to be here get on a plan immediately. You knew and let me be in college while she was like this?"

_"Angela how are you here?"_

"There are breaks in college Quinn, winter break and all. Why are you here you are the reason she is hurt haven't you done enough!"

"You hurt her. You know I love her how could you not tell me? How could you just throw her away…"

"Get out! I knew you were nothing more then the ugly girl I saw hurting everyone in your wake get out!"

The nurse came charging in during the commotion they ushered me out. I sat there frozen small and let them take me away from my beloved. Angela is right I couldn't even be mad at her. I felt so small so guilty so broken even though she completely flew off the handle and has no idea what really happened. I see her cry at Santana's bedside holding her and talking to her. A pang of jealously flows through me but I let it go Angela deserves a moment. Angela loves her too. Santana would have been better off without me. That sentence cuts me to my very core. I see Dr. Lopez sprawl in here almost as if there wasn't his ailing daughter in the room. I knew he was a piece of work but he sneered at Angela and gave me a parting look. He checks her progress and goes out to call Maribel. I think I am overreacting but shouldn't he crumble. He is her father maybe he shuts down to protect himself. It just doesn't seem right. I got an odd feeling. I go to my parking lot drive to my empty house and go through everything that involves Santana anything gives a faint glimpse of her. I grab her sweater and attempt to sleep but all I can do is play everything in my head like a reel over and over. If only I could be in your sweet embrace. I will wait for you always. I take my pillow and allow the dam to burst I fall asleep sobbing into my pillow mumbling "I am so sorry forgive me. Come back to me." Over and over until only the night can hear my cries of anguish until my fit turns into exhaustion and I collapse.


End file.
